So much happiness after the sad

I'm feeling really good about life these days now that the sadness of losing my baby has subsided. I have never been in love like this before and it feels so incredible. And he is uprooting his life to come here and be with me which is kinda unbelievable b/c I know he loves Los Angeles. I'm grateful and I will show him every day. And he didn't have the best notions about Texas, but I think Austin has grown on him a bit. He's going to love it here. Honestly, I had my heart set on moving to LA to be with him. I love California so so so much and maybe we will move there one day. However, Austin just makes the most sense. I love my job. Like seriously... I love it. My coworkers are becoming my friends that I spend time with outside of work. I feel like I can be myself at work and I am accepted. I am good at my job and appropriately compensated with benefits. It's a great company that I feel proud to be a part of. I have my parents here and my grandparents. I love seeing my parents every week when I go there to do laundry. And when Billy and I have a baby, they will be such a great help. They are such wonderful grandparents! And we can actually afford to buy a home here soon, albeit mobile... but that's good enough for us. I'm stoked about it, actually. I'm happy that Billy has lots of possibilities ahead of him careerwise. He wasn't happy at his last job b/c he wasn't treated very well. And we are in a position where he has some time to find something he enjoys which is rare and wonderful. His happiness is of utmost importance to me. When he smiles, my heart melts.

I have made so many friends in the past year. Real friends that are kind, supportive, amazing people. I don't know how I got so blessed. I think back on times in my life where I was so incredibly low and wanted to die, abominably afflicted with depression and I am so grateful I lived through those times to see the woman I am today. I am strong, confident, kind and driven. I am going to be a great wife and an even better mother. There were long stints in my life where I thought this world would be a better place without me and I tried to leave it. Thank god I didn't b/c I now know that I am valuable and I love myself very much.

💖

Vegas w/ my William

We went to Vegas with the intent of spending time w/ his family and breaking the news of my pregnancy to them. But two weeks before our trip, his mom passed away from terminal cancer. 😓And a few days before, I lost our baby. 😢  Needless to say, this has been a rough month for us. Especially for him. I can't imagine losing my mom, as much as she can drive me nuts. Its just too painful to think about. Vegas was nice. We got to spend a lot of time with his sister's family and sweet lil' Aunt who made food for all of us. I just adored her. 😊  Tiffany and her husband were great and their house full of lovely children made me hopeful, but also a little sad for our loss. Like we really wanted that baby. And I still cry a lot thinking about how it's gone now. I'm scared it will happen again.

I'm depressed. The loss has been palpable. I need to exercise and eat healthy and to remain hopeful. And these next 5 weeks without my fiance will be difficult. He is my rock. Yeah, I get to see his sweet smile every day on video chat, but nothing beats his skin on mine and the smell of his neck. Fuck, I love this man. I can face anything w/ him by my side. That is why I am marrying him. I'm so ecstatic that I get to love and care for him until we die.

Austin in frozen. I slipped on ice and hurt my ankle. Blah.  I am stoked to be back at work tomorrow and that being said, I must rest. 💜

Feeling Appreciative

I seriously won the fiancé lottery. I couldn’t ask for a better man with a better heart. He is so pleasingly handsome I seriously just stare at him sometimes. He is so kind and smart and sweet. I love everything that he is. I am so grateful.

Sadness

I didn't go to work again this morning. Honestly, I would have gone but I woke up to a freezing trailer (ran out of propane over night). My hair is a greasy mess and I reallllly needed that shower to make myself presentable. There as even an email that went out that stated we were to dress very professionally today b/c of some deposition taking place in the mail conference room. So, 4 days off work in one week. I have to say I'm feeling guilty about missing so much. I FUCKING MISS BEING IN MY OFFICE WORKING! What is wrong w/ me? On he other hand... my heart aches. I cry, often. I miss my baby. I'm so sad. Billy said I should get out of this trailer. It's still fucking cold in here and I don't know when my dad will have time to come by. I need to go to the bank to deposit a check and get cash to pay rent to my grandma and pay my dad back for the propane. I want pancakes so I am going to go to Kerbey Lane... or maybe Snooze. Then I am going to Old Navy and T.J. Max b/c I need some damn slacks for work that come down past my ankle. Lord am I sick of walking around w/ freezing ankles. I could also use some cozy sweaters to keep me warm. I've had to put all my holiday sweaters in storage b/c that time has passed. And then back home to pack for Vegas tomorrow.

Billy is moving here late February. He is going to buy a Miata b/c apparently he is a middle-aged man going through a sad mid life crisis. LOL! Jk. I'm flying there and driving here w/ him. Should be a really fun roadtrip. I can't wait to cohabitate w/ my fiance! I love him so much. He is wonderful.

Things had been going so well...

Until my tenth week ultrasound today. The baby was still only measuring at 6 weeks (same as the first ultrasound) and there was no heartbeat. It took a second for that to really register with me, that I had lost the baby. A miscarriage. Tears poured down my face and I felt completely helpless. I love(d) this baby so much already, more than I even realized... and it was gone. Well, not actually gone. I have to take pills for that. I just picked them up at the pharmacy and a bunch of pads to sop up all the blood and whatever else my small fetus was composed of. I wonder why this happened. Was it something that I did wrong? Maybe. I was drinking for the first month b/c I had a period (implantation) and took a test that was negative. I had no idea. I am so sad. We both wanted this baby so bad. I feel like I've let Billy down. And Im terrified this will happen again. He really wants to be a father. If I can't give that to him, he might not want to be with me anymore. I want a baby so badly too. I wanted this baby. I had names picked out already.  I am so devastated and heartbroken by this loss. 😓😪😭

The only pic I will ever have of you b/c now you are gone: