I've been thinking a lot about killing myself. Maybe it is the time of the year. Maybe it is the circumstances. This city has that affect on me. I was so happy in LA, but I had no idea if my being there would be permanent. I had every intention of going back until my lover said he was done and went radio silent. It's been a few weeks now since I have heard his voice and it doesn't hurt one bit less. I just read all of our texts and cried for hours. I fucked up. I hurt him. And then I had to leave.
I've never been as happy as I was when I was with him. We walked hand in hand along the beach. Swung on the swing set at the park. Stayed up all night listening to music and making love. We fucked in parking lots and in public restrooms. So ribald. Mostly I just miss laughing with him, which was constant. All I want in this world is just to be with him. He made it all fade away... all the pain and there was a lot of fucking pain. I'm feeling it now though. More than ever. I fell in love with him the moment he brought me that Slurpee. He was exhausted and sweating profusely from the California valley heat. I'm praying to God that he will forgive me.
Here is my problem. I do not feel that I can be happy without him. I want so badly to be a whole person by my lonesome. I want to be self sufficient and happy all on my own. But a year ago when I was making a lot of money and had thousands in savings... I was so fucking lonely and all I wanted was a person to share it with. That is how I ended up with a con artist from Ok Stupid who spent all my savings, beat me up, and left. FML. So I know even when I am financially back on my feet, I will still not be happy. So this is something I need to work on. No one can make me happy, that is my domain.
The thing about Billy is that I truly love the person I am when I am with him b/c he inspires me to constantly be a better person. I still have this feeling that he is the one, but I can't live for that. And I must let that idea go in the mean time while I sort my self out and get my life together. I just hate how sad and lost I feel without him. My life was so wonderful when he was in it.
I think I am over this spell of depression and contemplating suicide. Today was a beautiful day. I have been staying positive and surrounding myself with positive people. I have been working a lot. Hopefully if I continue to be positive it will radiate and attract good things and people in to my life. That would be really nice. I hope that the worst is over.
