Dear Grandma (Hannelore Hoffman)

You passed away June 10th and I'm feeling it more now than I did then. Why do the holidays make loss so palpable? I held your frail hand as you lay dying and told you how much I love you, for that I am grateful. You're gone now though. There will never be another Thanksgiving at your home in Florence, TX. I'll never taste those artery clogging mashed potatoes made with 2 or more sticks of butter again. They were so good. I'll never hear your thick german accent so full of love calling me your little princess. I took you for granted the past several years... I was so lost in my own mental illness and shame that I just dipped out of most familial obligations. I'm so sorry for that. There will never be another Christmas at your house... another gift accompanied by your reminder that this was "something to remember you by"... all of those gifts lost when I left my ex fiance in 2012 and he burnt up all my belongings. That's neither here nor there. I have been through hell and back. I'm alive and grandma, I remember you. Your DNA is alive in me. I will never forget you. I burst in to tears at work this evening... thinking about your laugh and your life and how painful and lonely it was for you at the end. I am mourning you.

That day was especially lovely. Your sister was visiting and you went to put on lipstick to look pretty for photographs and it was smeared unevenly... like a prostitute in an alley. Somehow it was the cutest thing ever.

That is us in 2008, after your maybe 2nd heart attack. I think I freaked you out b/c I asked you if you were scared to die. You were. I was manic at the time... my 2nd serious manic episode that lasted months and months. I probably freaked you out. I was scared for you... and scared about mortality in general, particularly my own. In between my suicidal idealizations, were black out inducing anxiety attacks seeded by the fear of death. What a truly terrifying time in my life. I thank god every day for the stability I possess and cherish now.

This motion blurred photo was taken subsequently and I don't believe we moved the camera during the selfie. Overexposure probably... but I liked to think it was my grandfather making an appearance... letting us both know we weren't alone. I liked to think that it meant SHE was not alone b/c he died so many years before her.

But my grandmother... she is gone. And I can't stop crying. Soon, my other grandparents may be gone. One day my parents will be gone. And while I've pretty much let my brothers go b/c they have written me out of my life... the thought of their loss saddens me too.

I'll be ok and hopefully so will my Daddy. He lost his Mama after all. These holidays will be so hard for him. I suggested he find solace in his grandchildren who adore him. I will be there for him for Thanksgiving.

I'll be ok. I am so fucking happy. I am in a relationship with an amazing man who loves me. I love this man more than I have ever loved any person on this earth. He is a beautiful soul and it's likely we will have a loving and prosperous life together. All I want in this world is to make however slightest difference, to make a lasting impact... and to grow old with Billy. Maybe we will have some kids. Perhaps they will have kids... And one day my grandkid will write a blog like this about me after I pass. If blogs are even still a thing in the future. They probably will... Thank you for reading.