Recently roused from an 8 month period of emotive malaise, I'm nearing an equilibrium. Ah, sweet stability that many of you make take for granted. Let this stint be long and prolific. Please, god... no more despair. One issue I have struggled with for a long time is feeling like I need someone to be happy rather than forging a relationship of love and respect with myself, one necessary to be happy with one's self. Addiction has been a major impediment to the aforementioned. Getting lost in drugs, alcohol, love and sex is a great way to avoid taking a hard look at yourself in the mirror and recognizing who you are, what you are doing, who you want to be, and what you really want to do with your life. It feels good having honest answers to those questions, or at least having goals and ideas that may lead to answers.
I am certain now that I am moving back to Los Angeles. For months I thought I might contingent on a man. Now jilted by said man, I still yearn for the west coast b/c that is where I belong. This will be my 3rd attempt to live in LA, but the first time I'll be moving there with a substantial amount of money saved, at least 5 really good friends, an actual feel for the city, a CAR (this is pretty essential), and also... a propensity to be a functioning member of society. You know, like work and stuff. Haha. I went there in 2012 and didn't leave the Marriot on Sepulveda near LAX for about a month on the dime of a wealthy older male gentleman. And then a year ago where I lushed out on my good friend's couch... and fell in love with an amazing man that I miss every day. But this isn't about him and how he recently pummeled my heart to shreds *brushes off his hands and resumes activities such as playing Ark or whatever* NBD... I digress. I am trying to get over him and move on.
So yeah, I'll be moving back to LA in about 6 months. And I'm no longer in a fog of depression so thick I can't see much beyond my desire to not exist. It's hard being a good friend or partner when you're stuck in the thick of it. Depression can make one very self involved b/c it's damn near impossible to see anything but sorrow. So you don't reach out to the people that love you and whom you love to ask "how are you?" That doesn't mean I don't care. I do... so much. I'm so grateful that I have unconditional love in my life. I have people that love me still after my intermittent absences... I am truly grateful. If you are one of those people, thank you.
I feel like I have spent a great deal of time the past few months molding myself in to a person that I love and respect. I like to think I am not defined by my past mistakes. Painful as many of them have been, I have learned from them while I have grown and changed for the better. A lot of self reflection can be dangerous for someone like me. I hated a lot of what I saw, what I was, and things that I had done. Hence, the depression. That allowed me to draw a line and to set boundaries for myself that I will no longer cross. I stopped allowing myself to engage in activities that would also serve as excuses for atrocious behavior. I'm living with some fucking accountability for my actions and I am proud of that. If I am ever lucky enough to find a man as wonderful as Billy again... I would never lose him by indulging in reckless behavior and making subsequent decisions that violate love and trust in the confines of a relationship. I'm not that person anymore and I never will be.
I can't wait to be biking along the ocean in Santa Monica again. And the Santa Monica swing sets! And hiking at Runyon Canyon. Oh and those crispy fake chicken tenders at Lotus Vegan. I am so sick of Austin too. For so many reasons. Personal reasons. Valid reasons. I think I have just been here too long and I'm ready to start over permanently elsewhere. Austin will be here when I need it.
Thanks for reading. 💖