Playing the Victim

Ok, so I mentioned something in my last post that got me thinking. Playing the victim. I have been called out on this and at the time, the person was right.  I had fallen in to a mentality where I shucked accountability for my actions by constantly playing the victim. I no longer do this, but I realize how I had developed this bad habit. It's b/c I was a victim... from my first serious boyfriend slamming my head against a wall and locking me in a closet for hours (breaking my phone when I tried to call my brother for help) in 2003. To many other tragic events. I am a survivor and I don't think I credit myself enough for my strength and what I have been though.

A man is serving a life sentence for an atrocious crime for which I was the victim. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life for which I suffered acute PTSD. Click here to read the legal documentation, but if you read it please take note that I said nothing to this man aside from "what?" and to scream stop while he brutally beat me to a nearly unconscious state. He claimed I had made some racial slurs at him which provoked the attack, when it had been nothing more than a drug induced violent aggravated assault and robbery. I don't use racial slurs. I don't even think that way. [When I dislike people, it is because they are genuinely annoying or stupid and has nothing to do with their race, sex, orientation, or gender.] I thought he was going to kill me. I was so lucky that cop drove by while it was happening and saved my life. Other awful things happened that summer. Let's just say... 2012 was not my year. Thinking on these things, which I haven not thought about in about 2 years... is putting my current dejection in perspective.

I've come a long way since these atrocities. If I got through this...

I think I can get past what ails me now. That punch to my face that split open my eyebrow... really hurt a lot. It doesn't have shit on the way my heart feels right now. I'd have taken another similar punch to the face over the blow Billy dealt to my heart. Well... maybe not. That shit really hurt and left an ugly scar on my face.

The focus of this blog entry is strength. I wear my scars with pride and know they make me better equipped to solve the problems I am facing now and overcome future obstacles. I was a victim of abuse and assault, but I won't use that as a crutch to be anything less than a really good person moving forward. And a really fucking strong person too.