I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to wake up and think about you anymore and know you no longer think about me. I don't want to wonder why you stopped loving me anymore. I don't want to miss you anymore. My life was a pit of despair and loneliness before you and you resuscitated me and showed me what it was like to be alive again. You were supposed to be the one. You wanted to be my husband and start a family with me. What the fuck happened. My life without you... I don't want it. I want to be over it, to be over you. My heart won't let me. You just vanished and you couldnt even be bothered to tell me why. I feel so sick with grief and confusion. I just can't.

I want to kill myself. I really don't want to be in this skin anymore. I don't want to slit my wrist again. Nor do I want to drink antifreeze and be hospitalized for months again. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  I no longer possess the wherewithal for self harm. At least, I don't think I do. If someone gave me a pill that would allow me to die peacefully in my sleep, I would take it without hesitation and be done with this world. It's not like my own brothers would even miss me. Or care. And it's not like the man I am in love with would even know b/c he walked away from me with no explanation.

Maybe these are just my unbalanced brain chemicals. My fucked up mind. I don't want to be alive as a mentally ill person either. Living under a grey cloud constantly longing for better days that haunt me. I really hope that I die in my sleep tonight.