insomnia

Of course, as soon as I am back home I'm once again plagued with insomnia. I haven't written today and I am supposed to write daily (says my mentor Louis). My mind is sort of firing on all circuits... still reeling from the tryst with Billy, harrowed by those affected by this hurricane, some excitement about how well things seem to be going in my life, and the obdurate fear that lingers of when it will all blow up. My life that is and the seemingly good things in it.

Does it bother me that I have not heard from him since he kissed me goodbye yesterday afternoon? He hasn't responded to my two texts, one last night to say I was home safe and one tonight to say I was thinking of him. Of course it does. It doesn't anger me or make me cry. Nor does it make me second guess his feelings for me... It makes me question our future though and if things between us will ever be how they were a year ago. Will he ever love me the way he did before I hurt him? I'm not sweating over a lack of response b/c of insecurities and a constant need for reassurance the way I did in my twenties. I just long for things between us to be how they were once before. With some patience and time, they very well could be. But I don't need them to be. I am content being alone.

Not that I have to be alone. I am desired. Men let me know. It's just frustrating to get all this male attention... and none of it be from the one man I love and desire. For now, I have to trust his words and his actions and wait and see.

It's hard to be too upset about not getting a text back from Billy when so many people close to me in Texas  have lost everything. All these videos of stranded dogs, horses, etc... I wish I could actively be helping. I have responsibilities... but at least I work for people that are in Houston doing all they can to help. I've donated money. And I've been praying. Last year, I had applied to start volunteering with Red Cross in LA before I had to move back. I used to be trained for Emergency Response with FEMA when I worked for the state. I'd really like to do something like that in the future. *Note to self to apply to jobs for the aforementioned.

I really should be sleeping and the melatonin I took isn't working. Funny how I feel asleep around 9 or 10pm every night I was in LA, but here.... restless. Just another sign I should be living there. I am training someone at work and shouldn't be a zombie so I am going to try to sleep now. But now I have written something today as instructed. To make Louis happy. Haha.