goals

I've been encouraged to write every day. I'll never be an actual writer. It was just a passing pipe dream. One of many silly dreams I've had the past ten years are so. Today was an ok day. I didn't find myself wishing I was dead which was nice. I just feel a bit numb... but I also feel charged.

Lately I've been very goal oriented and introspective. I want to be a strong, laudable woman. I want to be confident.  I want to be loved. I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to be an environmentalist again. I want to make a living by working to protect or even improve human health and the environment. Using my degree would also justify these student loan payments. Haha. I want to live by the beach... Santa Monica preferably. I want to own a pug to be Sparkle's best friend. I want to stay away from drugs and maintain emotional stability. Aside from the things I've learned from my past mistakes,  I want to leave my past behind me and love myself for the person I am today (not resent the person I used to be). I want to continue to be healthy and fit. I want to be kind to others and when given the opportunity, leave them better than how I found them. I want to do nice things for my friends and go on adventures with them.

More than anything I want to not be estranged from my brothers and be an aunt to my nephews again. And I want to be with the man I love. But my brothers do not care about me or want me in their life. And neither does the man I love. That's probably my fault. It makes me so sad though. It makes me cry a lot. I'm crying right now. My brothers really are assholes though. I don't know why I care about them anymore. I should stop.

I'm really excited for my trip to LA and to get out of Austin for a few days. I can't believe I am going to be 35 in a couple weeks. I feel really old. Please kill me if I'm still single and sad when I am 40. 😑