This is My Bliss

I just spent 4 of the most incredible days of my life with my boyfriend. I honestly believe we fell in love with each other all over again. Four days of making love, holding one another, professing our love, having intimate and meaningful discussions, laughing together, enjoying delicious meals together, etc. Our own personal Cockaigne, a land of delightful pleasures devoid of pain. I feel so at ease right now. My fears of losing him and doubts about his feelings for me have been absolutely assuaged. He showed me his love for me. He held me, his hand on my face and told me how much he loves me and how happy he is to be with me. Every time he tells me he loves me, my heart palpitates. Every time he touches me, I melt. Blood rushes to my genitals. He makes me wet and hungry. And then he satisfies my every need. Not just how he makes me cum over and over again. He holds me post coitus. He kisses me softly and he makes me feel safer than I ever have in my life.

I have never felt so loved before... and by someone so beautiful, inside and out. I trust him completely. He would never hurt me, emotionally or physically. I can't believe someone so wonderful, smart, handsome, and sweet has chosen me. But maybe I should b/c I have made great strides. He is proud of my progress. That means so much to me. I'm proud of him too. I'm honestly in disbelief. I have wanted him for so long. I pined. I cried. I prayed. I never gave up hope. It's hard to believe he is actually mine again and that he truly is happy to be mine and happy to call me his.

I am so in love. I hope everyone in the world can feel this way, can find the person that makes their life complete. The world sure as hell would be a much more peaceful planet.

My life is so good right now it's surreal. My hard work has been rewarded with a raise and I'll soon receive a generous bonus. I'm thankful for my 4 jobs and that I have an opportunity to work hard and save money to move to California. I'm so grateful for my family and my close friends. My dog is a loyal and loving companion that brightens all my days.

Less than a month til I have another 4 days of bliss with my lover in LA. He has no idea how good this thing is going to be and it will just get better and better. I'm going to love him so hard and show him so much kindness. This is forever. I'm going to marry this man. I'm going to having his beautiful children. All my life I've dreamt of finding a loving man that I adore and starting a family and being a mother. I believe he is going to make all my dreams come true. And I'll do my best to do the same for him. He honestly inspires me to be my best self. That's what he deserves. He helped me on to a better path a year ago... a path of self discovery, healing, and of reestablishing a loving relationship with myself.

Billy, you are my world. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for loving me. It is the best gift I've ever received... besides the gift of life I got from my parents. I love you. 💗💖💕💘

Dear Grandma (Hannelore Hoffman)

You passed away June 10th and I'm feeling it more now than I did then. Why do the holidays make loss so palpable? I held your frail hand as you lay dying and told you how much I love you, for that I am grateful. You're gone now though. There will never be another Thanksgiving at your home in Florence, TX. I'll never taste those artery clogging mashed potatoes made with 2 or more sticks of butter again. They were so good. I'll never hear your thick german accent so full of love calling me your little princess. I took you for granted the past several years... I was so lost in my own mental illness and shame that I just dipped out of most familial obligations. I'm so sorry for that. There will never be another Christmas at your house... another gift accompanied by your reminder that this was "something to remember you by"... all of those gifts lost when I left my ex fiance in 2012 and he burnt up all my belongings. That's neither here nor there. I have been through hell and back. I'm alive and grandma, I remember you. Your DNA is alive in me. I will never forget you. I burst in to tears at work this evening... thinking about your laugh and your life and how painful and lonely it was for you at the end. I am mourning you.

That day was especially lovely. Your sister was visiting and you went to put on lipstick to look pretty for photographs and it was smeared unevenly... like a prostitute in an alley. Somehow it was the cutest thing ever.

That is us in 2008, after your maybe 2nd heart attack. I think I freaked you out b/c I asked you if you were scared to die. You were. I was manic at the time... my 2nd serious manic episode that lasted months and months. I probably freaked you out. I was scared for you... and scared about mortality in general, particularly my own. In between my suicidal idealizations, were black out inducing anxiety attacks seeded by the fear of death. What a truly terrifying time in my life. I thank god every day for the stability I possess and cherish now.

This motion blurred photo was taken subsequently and I don't believe we moved the camera during the selfie. Overexposure probably... but I liked to think it was my grandfather making an appearance... letting us both know we weren't alone. I liked to think that it meant SHE was not alone b/c he died so many years before her.

But my grandmother... she is gone. And I can't stop crying. Soon, my other grandparents may be gone. One day my parents will be gone. And while I've pretty much let my brothers go b/c they have written me out of my life... the thought of their loss saddens me too.

I'll be ok and hopefully so will my Daddy. He lost his Mama after all. These holidays will be so hard for him. I suggested he find solace in his grandchildren who adore him. I will be there for him for Thanksgiving.

I'll be ok. I am so fucking happy. I am in a relationship with an amazing man who loves me. I love this man more than I have ever loved any person on this earth. He is a beautiful soul and it's likely we will have a loving and prosperous life together. All I want in this world is to make however slightest difference, to make a lasting impact... and to grow old with Billy. Maybe we will have some kids. Perhaps they will have kids... And one day my grandkid will write a blog like this about me after I pass. If blogs are even still a thing in the future. They probably will... Thank you for reading.

me / moon

This morning I had to pinch myself I'm so happy. My dreams have come true. Billy and I have reconciled and are back together again. Furthermore, he is visiting me in Austin for Thanksgiving! Needless to say, my visit with him in LA was wonderful... as was seeing Lana Del Rey w/ Miss Cassie. LDR (Lana Del Rey) was life changing... and my life was also changed by entering into a different kind of LDR (long distance relationship). I have also made some plans for the next few months and set a date to make my permanent move to Los Angeles.

I'll be working one more season as a manager at Liberty Tax (evenings and weekends) in addition to my position as Trust Lead at the asbestos law firm where I currently work. I will also continue doing brand ambassador work on the weekends. April is when I make my move and it looks like I'll be subletting my friend's place in Los Feliz indefinitely in exchange for providing him a free place to stay when he is in town. It's a really nice area and will be mostly furnished so it is... FUCKING PERFECT. Things are really falling in to place and I am so happy. I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop b/c I have been working super hard and will continue to do so. I have pined my ass off to be with the man I love and he sees now that I am bigger than my past mistakes. He still loves me and he has chosen to be my partner in life again. I am so blessed. He is amazing. I have not and never will love another man the way I love and adore him. I vow to treat him with utmost respect and kindness as long as I am graced with his partnership.

It's likely I'll be attending Lana's show here in Austin in February thanks to Louis. Hopefully with a plus two for Lorelei and Cass! I love my girlfriends! Hopefully I'll get to catch up w/ LL tomorrow or Friday. Sunday my friend Lauren returns from CA and I'm picking her up from the airport so we can have lunch and catch up. Lauren is an aspiring actress and I suggested to her that she hightail it w/ me to LA in April and share the apartment w/ me. After all, what better place to have such aspirations? She's really talented too. She showed me some of her work.

All I wanna do in LA is find a stable, interesting career that pays well and provides health insurance so Billy and I can eventually get our own place and start a lovely little family. I love him so much! And I really fucking love California. I have visions in my head of us and a toddler spending days on the beach... or family camping trips when our kiddo is a little older. We could have such an incredible little life together. I don't need or want much. I want him, a family, and a career that makes some positive differences in this world.

So Billy arrives Thanksgiving evening and I am taking him to 24 Diner for a Thanksgiving meal. The next night we will have a romantic and hopefully ghostly stay at The Driskill. I may even introduce him to my parents... I hope he likes Sparkle! 💖

I can feel myself getting sick... chest cold maybe. It's cold and rainy and I should get some rest. Thanks for reading! Xo