lunchbreak

I took the new girl at work on a walk over to the Driskill on my lunch break. I showed her the spot where Sparkle barked at the ghost in 2008. I never go on walks during the day... I should start. I need to make the most of the time I have left in Austin. I will probably miss it more than I think once I am gone.

Tomorrow I am going to Fort Worth for a Film Feast at the Modern Museum. I'm excited to catch up with an old friend (well, boyfriend) that I haven't seen in forever. Going to catch up with Louis too. I finally got some good sleep last night and I'm feeling refreshed today. Looking forward to a fun Labor Day weekend, but not so much to turning 35 next week. 😩

Last night I spent 2 hours curating a playlist for Billy on Spotify. My endeavor to make a modern day mix tape to be like romantic and shit. I hope he likes it. I miss him.

insomnia

Of course, as soon as I am back home I'm once again plagued with insomnia. I haven't written today and I am supposed to write daily (says my mentor Louis). My mind is sort of firing on all circuits... still reeling from the tryst with Billy, harrowed by those affected by this hurricane, some excitement about how well things seem to be going in my life, and the obdurate fear that lingers of when it will all blow up. My life that is and the seemingly good things in it.

Does it bother me that I have not heard from him since he kissed me goodbye yesterday afternoon? He hasn't responded to my two texts, one last night to say I was home safe and one tonight to say I was thinking of him. Of course it does. It doesn't anger me or make me cry. Nor does it make me second guess his feelings for me... It makes me question our future though and if things between us will ever be how they were a year ago. Will he ever love me the way he did before I hurt him? I'm not sweating over a lack of response b/c of insecurities and a constant need for reassurance the way I did in my twenties. I just long for things between us to be how they were once before. With some patience and time, they very well could be. But I don't need them to be. I am content being alone.

Not that I have to be alone. I am desired. Men let me know. It's just frustrating to get all this male attention... and none of it be from the one man I love and desire. For now, I have to trust his words and his actions and wait and see.

It's hard to be too upset about not getting a text back from Billy when so many people close to me in Texas  have lost everything. All these videos of stranded dogs, horses, etc... I wish I could actively be helping. I have responsibilities... but at least I work for people that are in Houston doing all they can to help. I've donated money. And I've been praying. Last year, I had applied to start volunteering with Red Cross in LA before I had to move back. I used to be trained for Emergency Response with FEMA when I worked for the state. I'd really like to do something like that in the future. *Note to self to apply to jobs for the aforementioned.

I really should be sleeping and the melatonin I took isn't working. Funny how I feel asleep around 9 or 10pm every night I was in LA, but here.... restless. Just another sign I should be living there. I am training someone at work and shouldn't be a zombie so I am going to try to sleep now. But now I have written something today as instructed. To make Louis happy. Haha.

William Han Madden

This man captivates me like no other. Just like Bella and Edward from Twilight, I am completely, unequivocally in love with him. Ha. I'm such a loser. Have I ever heard a sweet as a sound as the doorbell to my airbnb this morning? Opening to door to this beautiful face... kinda had to pinch myself to ensure I wasn't dreaming. Wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. I did and it was magical. All day I have been walking and driving around LA with this beaming smile like I just ate a few hits of acid. No drugs, though. Just love. He is the one. I can't wait to see him again October 27th. I'm so grateful he is still in my life and that his feelings for me still exist. I'm never going to want another man in this life, not as long as he still wants me. He is definitely the one.

Santa Monica

So far, this has been an incredible vacation. I just wish I had more energy to do more activities. I feel completely spent and its only 9pm. My sunburn probably has a lot to do with it. I am staying at the Loew's Hotel in Santa Monica. I had a nice walk along the beach, swung on my favorite swingset facing the pier. I was too late to recent a bicycle to bike down to Venice. I'm going to do that in the morning before I join Cassie and her friends for beach volleyball. I soaked my achy sore muscles in the hot tub at the hotel. That was fantastic. Then I ordered some veggie pasta and peanut butter gelato room service. I did tarot for two facebook friends and I'm now relaxing watching the Book of Henry. 

I am staying in NoHo tomorrow night. When Raul gets off work we are going to go eat at Lotus Vegan and maybe hit up the Brick Yard. I am so excited to catch up with him and give him the present I got him. A copy of Fear of a Black Hat, my favorite movie. He hasn't seen it. I am pretty sure he will love it. 

My loved ones in Texas are on my mind. Prayers that everyone stays safe through this tropical storm. I may even get delayed flying home. I wouldnt mind that too much. I do miss my Sparkle though. 

I can't say enough how much I love California. My heart is full here and I walk with vim and vigor. Here, my heart has found a home. I'm all alone right now and feel incredibly content. Not longing, wanting, or needing... My mind is at ease. I love myself and I am liking my life more and more. I am happy. 💗

Reading for Cassidy Koranek

Self: Judgement *reversed*

Self-doubt, refusal of self-examination

Reversed, the Judgement card suggests that you may be indulging yourself in doubt and self-judgement. Your deliberation is causing you to miss the new opportunities that await. A certain amount of momentum has accumulated behind what you have achieved, which could propel you further. If actions are taken now, such momentum will not be lost. Therefore now is not the time for being cautious or introverted, rather it is time to move onwards with confidence and pride.

On the other hand, the Judgement card asks you to take a moment out of your usual routine and busy lifestyle to stop and think about your life so far and what you can learn from your life. In its reversed position, it may indicate that you are not allowing yourself sufficient time and space to really get to the heart of the matter and draw from your lessons of the past. Additionally, this card suggests that you may be overly hard or critical of yourself and not allowing yourself to truly learn from your mistakes. You may have made some mistakes in the past but see these as learning experiences rather than failures or faults.

Judgment reversed serves as a reminder that in every decision that you face, you have at least some element of control. While you may not be able to control the initial events that happen to you, it is important to remember that what is within your control is how you react to these events, and what you create and build out of them. So, while you may be feeling as though you are at the mercy of other people’s judgement, remember that you, too, can choose your own destiny and respond in a way that serves your own higher needs. This is an important time for you to make your own decisions, based on your own judgement of the situation. Do not let others push you around or dictate what should happen to you!

You may be experiencing unhappiness, isolation and difficulties in overcoming obstacles. You may be forced to deal with the consequences of your past decisions in order to learn valuable lessons from them. You may also find that you are fearful about making important decisions. Change is inevitable. If you are unwilling to accept changes, stagnation will replace growth. Unwanted changes could make you feel out of control and helpless. Perhaps you are reluctant to let go of a relationship, job, or circumstance that is no longer working for you. source

Situation: V of Cups

Loss, regret, disappointment, despair, bereavement

The Five of Cups represents a lack of fulfilment or non-attainment of expected results. You are feeling disappointed that a situation has not turned out as you had hoped, and instead of moving on to greener pastures, you are wallowing in self-pity and regret about what has been lost. The water spilled from the cups shows that the cause for regret is more emotional than financial. You are quickly becoming disillusioned with life and increasingly pessimistic about your future.

The Five of Cups suggests that you are having trouble letting go of the past and learning from your mistakes. This card can often reflect a person who is caught up in the past and unable to move on, missing out on new opportunities. Bitter memories from the past continue to bother you, and often a great deal of the blame for past actions is placed on yourself and your inadequacies. To some it would seem that there is no way out of this situation but the Tarot always shows problems on one hand and solutions on the other.

Forgiveness and the ability to recover after emotional loss are necessary. If you are feeling disappointed by another person’s actions, and then find it within your heart to forgive that person, releasing yourself from the disappointment. You may also need to re-assess your expectations that have led you to this disappointment. Were you expecting too much?

Remember, too, that hindsight is much clearer than foresight and present-day wisdom is gained from the mistakes of the past. Reflect on what lead you to this point and understand what important lessons you can take from the experience. Even when things go pear-shaped, there is always something positive that can be gained by reflecting on the lessons learned.

While it is true that much has been lost, there is still a ray of hope because some of the cups in this card remain full and upright. You must not pity yourself when you find yourself in his situation. Instead of looking at the situation from a ‘glass is half empty’ perspective, look at it from a ‘glass is half full' perspective. source

Challenges/Guidance: X of Pentacles

Wealth, inheritance, family, establishment, retirement

As a Ten, the Ten of Pentacles is such a great sign that despite challenges and setbacks along the way, you will finally reach a point of completion and accomplishment in your journey. This sense of accomplishment is likely to be as a result of an improved career path, more solid financial reserves, a stable home environment and a possible committed and long-term relationship. This is one of those cards that shows that everything will eventually come together in a wonderful way and you will feel highly successful and proud of everything you have achieved. You will also feel compelled to share this success with others to ensure that they are also well cared for.

This card reminds me of the wealthy retired father figure who can now finally relax and enjoy his family and his home. He has worked incredibly hard over his lifetime in order to build up wealth, prosperity and security. He now has the financial reserves to share with his family to ensure that they are well supported now and in the future, which in turn leaves him feeling happy and content with his ability to ‘provide’.

With the focus on the family, you may be more inclined to direct a lot of your energy into ensuring that your family has everything that they need, from finances, to security and a good home life. You want to ensure that your children and family will always have everything they need.

The Ten of Pentacles shows how family, or even extended family, is incredibly important. It represents tradition, being a part of something bigger and realising that the blood of your ancestors runs through your veins. It signifies that you are part of a long chain of individuals who subsequently creates a family, a ‘tribe’ and a society. It provides structure where you can sit safely and comfortably, knowing that you are a part of history and heritage.

The Ten of Pentacles is also a card of affluence and wealth. You are blessed with material abundance and are now free from any sort of money troubles. You feel financially secure and you are fortunate enough to have luck and success on your side to ensure your financial reserves are high.

This card reflects permanence and creating a lasting foundation for future success. It is a card of commitment to a sustainable future, taking into consideration not just the short-term benefits of a particular venture but also the long-term benefits. It is about investing in the long-term and knowing that you need a consistent approach in order to achieve success that will last the test of time. source

Reading for Michael Reyes

Self: Queen of Cups

Emotional security, calm, intuitive, compassionate

When the Queen of Cups appears in a reading, it suggests that you need to empathise with others and to show true compassion. Focus on the emotional well-being of others rather than relying on rational or logical explanation. You are here to support and to teach others, by drawing upon your own intuition and sense of calm and emotional connectedness. Learn how those in need cope with life’s challenges and share your knowledge. Hug someone you care about.

One of the greatest assets of the Queen of Cups is her ability to sense the needs of those around her. Due to her associations with the element of water, the Queen of Cups can be passive and receptive. Her sensitivity draws those who struggle and suffer towards her. In many ways, she is a safe harbor for others. Her ability to connect on a soul level enables her to remedy the broken hearts of others. Her warmth and genuine caring make her a beacon of light. Because she is so responsive to the feelings of others, the Queen of Cups must constantly uphold her boundaries between herself and others. If not properly protected, the Queen of Cups can lose her own sense of self. This is her greatest vulnerability.

The Queen of Cups tends to think with her heart, rather than her head. She may lack common sense and rationality but she is highly intuitive and sometimes psychic and dreamy. Similarly, if you are finding that the logical approach is not working, then the Queen of Cups encourages you to follow your heart and not your mind. You may be required to turn inward and explore your emotions about a particular situation.

The Queen of Cups symbolises achievements made possible by the use of imagination and creativity. This is a woman who is highly imaginative and artistically gifted, affectionate and romantic in outlook. She is often involved in creative or literary pursuits, and enjoys art, good music, literature and things of beauty. Therefore, you may be more inclined to pursue creative projects, particularly if it acts as a form of self-expression. source

Situation: VIII of Wands *reversed*

Delays, frustration, holding off

The Eight of Wands reversed can indicate significant delays, particularly with regard to travel or fast-moving plans. Despite having a lot of energy and enthusiasm to progress things forward, you are now being faced with multiple obstacles in your course. This is incredibly frustrating and you may be growing increasingly impatient by the day. Keep looking for alternative ways around the obstacles presented so that you can carry out your plans.

On the flipside, the reversed Eight of Wands suggests that you are charging ahead with an idea or plan but you need to slow down and consider your next steps before continuing. You may be missing something in your haste and prone to making mistakes. Similarly, this card can be a sign to hold off your activities for a short amount of time until the situation becomes more stable and predictable.

You may also be prone to having many, many ideas at the one time and not knowing which to pursue and when. Just as you get started on implementing one idea, another one comes to mind and you quickly switch your focus. The trouble is that with this approach, you never actually accomplish anything because you are jumping from one idea to the next without finishing any of them. source

Challenges/Guidance: The Devil

Bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism

The card of the Devil represents the hidden forces of negativity that constrain you and that trick you into thinking you are imprisoned by external forces ultimately out of your control. The Devil is an inner force within each of us. He represents our fears, addictions, and other harmful impulses. He is a master of deception and creates the illusion that you are involuntarily bound to him. However, the figures in this card are free to remove the chains from around their necks, indicating that they have freely given the Devil any power he has over them.

When you see the Devil in a reading, ask yourself where you are feeling stuck or restricted in your life. You may be tricked into believing that you are being controlled by external forces when in fact you have created your own chains of imprisonment and powerlessness. A sense of hopelessness can accompany the Devil. You feel despair and have a pessimistic view of life because you feel that so much is outside of your control. You fear the worst, and this means that your fears have a hold over you and prevent you from leading a more fulfilling and optimistic life. What are the addictions or attachments restraining you from experiencing the freedom of the Fool? Are you giving yourself over to the illusion of helplessness and despair? Know that you have the power within to free yourself from the bondage of the Devil.

The Devil often reflects actual addictions and dependencies in your life, such as alcoholism, drug-taking, unhealthy relationships, over-spending and the like. You think you need something and you are willing to go against what you know to be right and true in order to obtain it. You need to break free of these negative patterns of behaviour by acknowledging the hold that they have over you and the negative impact they are having on your life. Often they are behaviours that are immediately gratifying but which cause longer-term damage to your inner fulfilment.

More generally, the Devil indicates that you are becoming obsessed and hell-bent on a particular idea, situation or endeavour. You are over-investing yourself in one area at the expense of other areas of your life. Often, the Devil card represents an over-dependence on material wealth. You may have become so fixated on becoming a millionaire or owning a fancy car that you have forgotten the importance of investing in your relationships or yourself. You have generated a belief that value lies in how much you earn or how much you own. You have created an unhealthy bond with these materialistic desires and you are now being controlled by this bondage. source

roose

I'm sitting in the Hollywood Roosevelt lobby trying to get one hour of work done, but it's proving quite challenging. My morning walk down Hollywood Blvd was pleasantly nostalgic and a cool 71 degrees. Last time I stayed here was in spring of 2012 shortly after I had absconded from my abusive fiance. What a time that was. Vague memories of the hot guy I brought back here from Angels & Kings. Heh. Spending pretty much my last bit of money on a couple nights here... overdrafting on my debit card and throwing every staple (like $20 chocolate bars and $15 bag of chips) and drop of alcohol in the mini bar in my suitcase before hopping on an Amtrak back to Austin. That was a long train ride that arrived in Austin just as SXSW began. It was full of incredible musicians... Mostly really gorgeous ones. It was like one huge party in the common area. One guy shared this molly.... and wow. I'll probably never have an Amtrak trip quite like that one. Heh. Good times.

Anyway... my morning walk was so nice and though I saw transients, not one of them asked me for a dime. Try walking in downtown Austin without being accosted just for one block. Impossible. I love it here.

Ok I must get my work done so I can go have fun with friends. Xo

Reading for Ismael Quintinilla

Self: The Hierophant *reversed*

Restriction, challenging the status quo

The Hierophant reversed indicates that you are feeling restricted or constrained by structure and rules, and as a result, you have lost a lot of flexibility and control in your life. You have a strong desire to go against the grain and break free from convention. You may be tempted to go about your business in an unorthodox manner, to do something that is out of character or against social norms. The Hierophant reversed is about breaking the rules and challenging the status quo. You no longer accept the rigid structures, tradition and dogma surrounding you, and now seek out opportunities to rebel and retaliate. You want to challenge ideas and concepts that you once thought of as written in stone.
The reversed Hierophant is about questioning tradition and asking yourself whether what you are doing is really the right thing by you. You may have been running on automatic so far and following the crowd but now you realise that perhaps things are not the way they seem and changes need to be made.

In this way, the Hierophant reversed is like a rebellious teenager or young adult who begins to question society and participate in political activities. There may be a run-in with authorities or conflict with a parent or authoritative figure.The reversed Hierophant can sometimes reflect societal or group pressure. You are being forced to conform but you do not agree with the fundamental belief systems.The Hierophant can also represent a person who is in a leadership role or position of authority. He may indicate a religious leader, a father figure, or even a boss at work. When the Hierophant is reversed, you may find that this person is ruling with an iron fist, forcing others to conform and abide by the rules, afraid to step out and do something different or challenge the status quo. If this person is ‘in charge’ then you may have little choice but to follow. source

Situation: V of Cups *reversed*

Reversed: Moving on, acceptance, forgiveness

The reversed Five of Cups shows recovery from regret and an acceptance of the past. Now, you are beginning to realise the full implications of the past and you have come to appreciate the lessons learned from the experience. You may even recognise the value of the painful experience in the broader scheme of things in preparing you for later experiences. You are ready to pick up the remaining two cups that are full of the water of emotional growth and go on.This card is also about learning to be open and to take risks again. It is a card of a lingering sense of regret, nostalgia and bittersweet memories but the card itself speaks of being hopeful for the future, getting over whatever you need to get over, and of seeing the sun peek through the clouds once again! If you have suffered a broken romance, the reversed Five of Cups signifies an end to the suffering, and a beginning to new loves and relationships, new interests, and new emotional outlets. You are starting to engage with the inspiring, creative and feeling side of life again.The reversed Five of Cups is about values and knowing what you truly want and what will really make you happiest. It is about the hidden blessings that lie behind obvious disappointments. Sometimes disappointments are required to see through illusions and free you to find what is truly of value in life. Once you have made this transition, you will be free to embrace new opportunities.Sometimes, the reversed Five of Cups indicates a feeling of being trapped in the past, holding on too tightly to the might-have-beens, and not being able to focus on the positive. The reversal could also indicate buried feelings of regret, that you are not allowing to surface and therefore they never get dealt with and brought to closure. Five is also the number of change, and indicates an emotional destabilisation that is intended to create change in how you approach your life. source

Guidance/Challenges: 3 of Cups

An affair, “three’s a crowd”, stifled creativity

The Three of Cups is representative of friendships and collegiate, harmonious relationships. It is a time when you are open to helping others, which in turn means that others are open to helping you. It is about spending quality time with your loved ones and your friends.This card reminds me of the wonderful connection and friendship that exists between the four female characters in “Sex and the City” – Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. They stand by each other, through thick and thin, and they are always there for one another as they make their way through various relationships, careers and other life journeys. Nearly every episode, they can be found enjoying each other’s company, often over a Cosmopolitan or another fancy New York cocktail. You get the feeling that these girls will be friends forever and will know that they can always count on each other for support and compassion.You may find that by turning to your female friends, you receive the love, support and compassion you need right now. Your close circle of friends may be a mothers’ group, old school friends, a women’s networking group or a collection of friendships that you have built up over the years. There is a oneness shared between your close friends and you, and there is a general feeling of sensitivity and sympathy with one another.The Three of Cups heralds a very sociable period. You will find a harmonious balance between meeting your commitments and spending quality time with friends and family. This is a great time to let your hair down and indulge yourself a little! You may be particularly drawn to the bar or restaurant scene, indulging in great food, wine and cocktails! You may also be celebrating something special, such as a birth, engagement, wedding, re-union, or birthday.For the moment, even though life’s problems go on, you can take time out to forget about the hassles of the everyday world and enjoy the company of your friends and loved ones. Such respites are often needed before and after periods of high stress, to stop you from getting burned out emotionally or physically. When this card appears and you are experiencing a high level of stress, take some time off to recuperate, and gain the support of friends before returning to ‘reality’.More broadly, the Three of Cups indicates the end or conclusion of any problems you have been experiencing, particularly those that relate to your interactions with others. A compromise will be found which will serve all the interests of those involved and will allow for a more harmonious environment. You can facilitate this process by bringing about positive change within yourself and changing your attitude and the way you react or deal with what is happening. Treat the situation with compassion and give the benefit of the doubt where possible.The Three of Cups represents community and groups of people coming together to focus on a common goal for the greater good of others. You may find that by reaching out to others and banding together, you can achieve a huge amount in terms of sharing your positive energy and passion with others, benefiting the wider community. It is a sign that you should seek out other people to celebrate your successes along with you.The Three of Cups is also a very creative card, suggesting that you may pursue a creative outlet within a group environment, such as an art class or a dance class. This is a great way to connect with others and to access your creative abilities. source

Playing the Victim

Ok, so I mentioned something in my last post that got me thinking. Playing the victim. I have been called out on this and at the time, the person was right.  I had fallen in to a mentality where I shucked accountability for my actions by constantly playing the victim. I no longer do this, but I realize how I had developed this bad habit. It's b/c I was a victim... from my first serious boyfriend slamming my head against a wall and locking me in a closet for hours (breaking my phone when I tried to call my brother for help) in 2003. To many other tragic events. I am a survivor and I don't think I credit myself enough for my strength and what I have been though.

A man is serving a life sentence for an atrocious crime for which I was the victim. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life for which I suffered acute PTSD. Click here to read the legal documentation, but if you read it please take note that I said nothing to this man aside from "what?" and to scream stop while he brutally beat me to a nearly unconscious state. He claimed I had made some racial slurs at him which provoked the attack, when it had been nothing more than a drug induced violent aggravated assault and robbery. I don't use racial slurs. I don't even think that way. [When I dislike people, it is because they are genuinely annoying or stupid and has nothing to do with their race, sex, orientation, or gender.] I thought he was going to kill me. I was so lucky that cop drove by while it was happening and saved my life. Other awful things happened that summer. Let's just say... 2012 was not my year. Thinking on these things, which I haven not thought about in about 2 years... is putting my current dejection in perspective.

I've come a long way since these atrocities. If I got through this...

I think I can get past what ails me now. That punch to my face that split open my eyebrow... really hurt a lot. It doesn't have shit on the way my heart feels right now. I'd have taken another similar punch to the face over the blow Billy dealt to my heart. Well... maybe not. That shit really hurt and left an ugly scar on my face.

The focus of this blog entry is strength. I wear my scars with pride and know they make me better equipped to solve the problems I am facing now and overcome future obstacles. I was a victim of abuse and assault, but I won't use that as a crutch to be anything less than a really good person moving forward. And a really fucking strong person too.

Lana Del Rey in October! Ice Cream Rules.

Today was a good day. I made plans to go to a music festival where Lana Del Rey is performing and I am elated! My trip to Los Angeles will be fun and full of good times with great friends. I will not sulk about William. I will not cry over him anymore. A few days ago, I was consumed with anger that he jilted me in such a way. The anger has faded and I'm just a bit sad now. I would still smash a pie in his face. He sucks. I hope he one day sits in the front row at a Gallager performance and gets watermelon juice in his eye! 😡 Why can't I stop missing him?! Ugh. 

I hopped back on Ok Cupid just for the fun of it. I found all the messages (70 the first day and about 40 a day since) overwhelming. The time isn't right for that. Once I have a handle on my relationship with myself and a firm grasp on stability, I'll be better equipped and more emotionally available. Lately, I've been taking time to feel grateful for what I do have. My hard work has been paying off and I'm very optimistic about future opportunities and what type of career I might have. My summa cum laude degree and multifarious experience are things to be proud of... things I kinda forgot I had after I had lost myself in addiction, poor choices, some wayward circumstances, and perpetually playing the victim. I'm proud to be past all that now.

I am also so grateful for my friends. And my family. And my dog. I'm also grateful for ice cream. I was inhaling a melting ice cream bar on the way home from the grocery store this evening. At a stoplight, I glanced up and out of the corner of my eye noticed a creeper ogling me with ice cream jizz all over my face. Ha.

Ok, I'm going to masturbate before bed and try not to be think about Billy so I can cum. (Yeah right). Bleh.

Reading for Camden

 

Self: VIII of Swords

The Eight of Swords is often a sign that it is best not to make any important decisions at this point because your thinking has been limited and constrained by self-imposed boundaries. You are struggling to see a situation for what it is and have been lead to believe certain things that may or may not be true. There are choices available but first you must be within the right mindset to know which option to choose. This means releasing the bindings and the blindfold to see the situation from a different, less imposing angle. There may also be too many ideas running through your head, thus it is best to wait until you feel more secure and certain about a situation before making important decisions and taking action.

The woman in the Eight of Swords is often seen as powerless. She has surrendered her power to an unknown entity, thus rendering herself completely powerless. She has become the victim and is now waiting to be rescued. If you see part of this woman in yourself, then it is imperative you take back your power and personal accountability and open your eyes to the options that lie in front of you. The fact is that you do have options, even if you do not like those options. This is fine, so long as you accept that you do indeed have options and you do not have to be the victim here.

The Eight of Swords portrays a dilemma whereby you are faced with the difficulty of a painful decision and you are at an impasse, uncertain of which way to go. However, what you may not realise is that the decision in the Eight is the result of our own actions. Despite the fact that you have boxed yourself into a corner, there is a way out. The solution is simply to deal with the situation in the most direct yet tactful manner possible, and face your choice with inner strength. It is time to be honest with yourself and others in order to be free of the burden of fear or guilt that is implied with the Eight of Swords.

The Eight of Swords can indicate that your interests will be opposed by other people, and this may create restrictions to what it is you want to achieve. Take back your power and realise that you have options whether others oppose you or not. You do not have to be constrained by their way of thinking or their rules.

Situation: Wheel of Fortune *reversed*

When the Wheel of Fortune is reversed, luck is not on your side. There has been a turn of events that are not in your favour sending you into a tail spin and changing your world significantly, seemingly for the worst. Oftentimes, the reversed Wheel of Fortune indicates that there are negative forces at play that are outside of your control, leaving you feeling helpless and powerless. However, while there have been some unfortunate circumstances that are outside of your control, the run of bad luck that you are experiencing may also be as a result of poor decisions you have made in the past. Think about what actions you have taken recently and whether these may have contributed to your present circumstances. What can you do to improve your luck and regain control of your destiny? Despite the setbacks, learn from the cycle of life and be prepared for such ups and downs in the future. Accept responsibility for your current and future situation, and look for ways that you can create more positive outcomes.

The reversed Wheel of Fortune can also reflect resistance to change, particularly if change is being forced upon you. The appearance of this card suggests that change has become a source of significant stress for you and you may be trying to consciously or subconsciously stop events from running their course.

This is also not a time to be taking risks as you may not come out a winner. You may need to be more cautious than before, taking more time to assess your options and to select the safest bet.

Challenges/Guidance: The World

Upright, the World represents completion. When reversed, however, the World suggests that you are trying to achieve completion in your life but you may not be taking all the steps necessary to achieve your goals. There is a tendency to take the easiest or quickest path to attain your goal but often this does not lead to the outcome you had originally intended. Instead, through facing up to the challenges along the way, you will learn and grow exponentially and will feel such an amazing sense of achievement when you finally make it to your goal. So, do not be afraid to set yourself ‘stretch’ goals, even if it means enduring hardships or challenges along the way. This will make victory even sweeter.

The reversed World can also indicate a time when you are close to reaching completion but for whatever reason, you lose focus and slack off right at the end. You only have a short way to go, so why lose focus now? Re-energise yourself and remind yourself how wonderful life will be when you have finally reached your goal.

You may also be experiencing a lack of closure in your life, preventing you from embarking on the next journey or challenge. I often see this reversed card when a relationship suddenly comes to an end without explanation. The partner cannot make sense of what has happened and is struggling to come to terms with the end of the relationship. Things are left unsaid and people are left hanging, not knowing what to expect or where they stand. If you see the reversed World in a reading, look to the other cards in the reading to identify what needs closure and how you can finally reach your point of completion.

Sometimes, the reversed World can indicate that desired change will be delayed and that more time and energy must be devoted to your project or life transition before you can experience the promised completion. This may feel very frustrating but patience and perseverance will pay off in the end. You may feel stifled, even trapped but do not give up. Keep on a steady course for now.

goals

I've been encouraged to write every day. I'll never be an actual writer. It was just a passing pipe dream. One of many silly dreams I've had the past ten years are so. Today was an ok day. I didn't find myself wishing I was dead which was nice. I just feel a bit numb... but I also feel charged.

Lately I've been very goal oriented and introspective. I want to be a strong, laudable woman. I want to be confident.  I want to be loved. I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to be an environmentalist again. I want to make a living by working to protect or even improve human health and the environment. Using my degree would also justify these student loan payments. Haha. I want to live by the beach... Santa Monica preferably. I want to own a pug to be Sparkle's best friend. I want to stay away from drugs and maintain emotional stability. Aside from the things I've learned from my past mistakes,  I want to leave my past behind me and love myself for the person I am today (not resent the person I used to be). I want to continue to be healthy and fit. I want to be kind to others and when given the opportunity, leave them better than how I found them. I want to do nice things for my friends and go on adventures with them.

More than anything I want to not be estranged from my brothers and be an aunt to my nephews again. And I want to be with the man I love. But my brothers do not care about me or want me in their life. And neither does the man I love. That's probably my fault. It makes me so sad though. It makes me cry a lot. I'm crying right now. My brothers really are assholes though. I don't know why I care about them anymore. I should stop.

I'm really excited for my trip to LA and to get out of Austin for a few days. I can't believe I am going to be 35 in a couple weeks. I feel really old. Please kill me if I'm still single and sad when I am 40. 😑

I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to wake up and think about you anymore and know you no longer think about me. I don't want to wonder why you stopped loving me anymore. I don't want to miss you anymore. My life was a pit of despair and loneliness before you and you resuscitated me and showed me what it was like to be alive again. You were supposed to be the one. You wanted to be my husband and start a family with me. What the fuck happened. My life without you... I don't want it. I want to be over it, to be over you. My heart won't let me. You just vanished and you couldnt even be bothered to tell me why. I feel so sick with grief and confusion. I just can't.

I want to kill myself. I really don't want to be in this skin anymore. I don't want to slit my wrist again. Nor do I want to drink antifreeze and be hospitalized for months again. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  I no longer possess the wherewithal for self harm. At least, I don't think I do. If someone gave me a pill that would allow me to die peacefully in my sleep, I would take it without hesitation and be done with this world. It's not like my own brothers would even miss me. Or care. And it's not like the man I am in love with would even know b/c he walked away from me with no explanation.

Maybe these are just my unbalanced brain chemicals. My fucked up mind. I don't want to be alive as a mentally ill person either. Living under a grey cloud constantly longing for better days that haunt me. I really hope that I die in my sleep tonight.

An update on me

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.

However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-blown mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in his or her life. Most people with bipolar II disorder suffer more often from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.

In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder typically live normal lives.

Recently roused from an 8 month period of emotive malaise, I'm nearing an equilibrium. Ah, sweet stability that many of you make take for granted. Let this stint be long and prolific. Please, god... no more despair. One issue I have struggled with for a long time is feeling like I need someone to be happy rather than forging a relationship of love and respect with myself, one necessary to be happy with one's self. Addiction has been a major impediment to the aforementioned. Getting lost in drugs, alcohol, love and sex is a great way to avoid taking a hard look at yourself in the mirror and recognizing who you are, what you are doing, who you want to be, and what you really want to do with your life. It feels good having honest answers to those questions, or at least having goals and ideas that may lead to answers.

I am certain now that I am moving back to Los Angeles. For months I thought I might contingent on a man. Now jilted by said man, I still yearn for the west coast b/c that is where I belong. This will be my 3rd attempt to live in LA, but the first time I'll be moving there with a substantial amount of money saved, at least 5 really good friends, an actual feel for the city, a CAR (this is pretty essential), and also... a propensity to be a functioning member of society. You know, like work and stuff. Haha. I went there in 2012 and didn't leave the Marriot on Sepulveda near LAX for about a month on the dime of a wealthy older male gentleman. And then a year ago where I lushed out on my good friend's couch... and fell in love with an amazing man that I miss every day. But this isn't about him and how he recently pummeled my heart to shreds *brushes off his hands and resumes activities such as playing Ark or whatever* NBD... I digress. I am trying to get over him and move on. 

So yeah, I'll be moving back to LA in about 6 months. And I'm no longer in a fog of depression so thick I can't see much beyond my desire to not exist. It's hard being a good friend or partner when you're stuck in the thick of it. Depression can make one very self involved b/c it's damn near impossible to see anything but sorrow. So you don't reach out to the people that love you and whom you love to ask "how are you?" That doesn't mean I don't care. I do... so much. I'm so grateful that I have unconditional love in my life. I have people that love me still after my intermittent absences... I am truly grateful. If you are one of those people, thank you. 

I feel like I have spent a great deal of time the past few months molding myself in to a person that I love and respect. I like to think I am not defined by my past mistakes. Painful as many of them have been, I have learned from them while I have grown and changed for the better. A lot of self reflection can be dangerous for someone like me. I hated a lot of what I saw, what I was, and things that I had done. Hence, the depression. That allowed me to draw a line and to set boundaries for myself that I will no longer cross. I stopped allowing myself to engage in activities that would also serve as excuses for atrocious behavior. I'm living with some fucking accountability for my actions and I am proud of that. If I am ever lucky enough to find a man as wonderful as Billy again... I would never lose him by indulging in reckless behavior and making subsequent decisions that violate love and trust in the confines of a relationship. I'm not that person anymore and I never will be. 

I can't wait to be biking along the ocean in Santa Monica again. And the Santa Monica swing sets! And hiking at Runyon Canyon. Oh and those crispy fake chicken tenders at Lotus Vegan. I am so sick of Austin too. For so many reasons. Personal reasons. Valid reasons. I think I have just been here too long and I'm ready to start over permanently elsewhere. Austin will be here when I need it. 

Thanks for reading. 💖