A Year Ago (written October 11th)

It's been about a year since my boyfriend attempted to end my life. So much has happened since that time, it feels like Russ tried to kill me 5 years ago. I haven't seen him since that night. He is not allowed to call me, text me, give messages to friends to tell me, come near me, etc. It was the most painful break up that I have ever had. Having my partner of nearly 4 years attempt to take my life and then never to see him again sans closure... well, it was not an easy ending.

I forgave him though. It took a few months. I wasn't angry about him trying to kill me. I was angry that he was gone. I was angry that he was sick. I was angry that he loved alcohol more than he would ever love me. Mostly I was hurt. I'm so glad it is over now. I think of him sometimes and I hope he is better. I hope he is happy and healthy. I also hope that I never have to see him again. It would be far too painful.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be living in LA again, I would not have believed it. But here I am and I'm starting to feel happy. I'm sleeping well. I'm taking good care of myself. I'm working and I'm making new friends who are great people. The loneliness I have been struggling with since Russ and I split up, it is starting to subside.

I had another very bad break up in April. A man I had let move in to my home had siphoned off about $5,000 of my saving and then beat me up pretty badly before absconding with what was left of my dignity. My mind is just now recovering from the xanax (40 extra strength bars), ketamine, acid, cocaine, and whatever else of Brian Graham's drug stash I had found in my apartment that he had left behind. I took all those drugs to end my pain and also my life after he stole all my savings and attacked me.

I'm so lucky that I have a short term memory again. It is still foggy and I struggle a lot trying to remember things I knew moments before. Names are the hardest for me to remember. But I am getting better every day!

The aforementioned events have not broken me. They have made me stronger. Most importantly, they have made me wiser about the people that I let in to my life. I have a lot to offer as a friend and I'm grateful that I have some good friends to enjoy life with now. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who do not love or care about you. <3

A sad and lonely thanksgiving tomorrow.

I've been thinking a lot about killing myself. Maybe it is the time of the year. Maybe it is the circumstances. This city has that affect on me. I was so happy in LA, but I had no idea if my being there would be permanent. I had every intention of going back until my lover said he was done and went radio silent. It's been a few weeks now since I have heard his voice and it doesn't hurt one bit less. I just read all of our texts and cried for hours. I fucked up. I hurt him. And then I had to leave.

I've never been as happy as I was when I was with him. We walked hand in hand along the beach. Swung on the swing set at the park. Stayed up all night listening to music and making love. We fucked in parking lots and in public restrooms. So ribald. Mostly I just miss laughing with him, which was constant. All I want in this world is just to be with him. He made it all fade away... all the pain and there was a lot of fucking pain. I'm feeling it now though. More than ever. I fell in love with him the moment he brought me that Slurpee. He was exhausted and sweating profusely from the California valley heat. I'm praying to God that he will forgive me.

Here is my problem. I do not feel that I can be happy without him. I want so badly to be a whole person by my lonesome. I want to be self sufficient and happy all on my own. But a year ago when I was making a lot of money and had thousands in savings... I was so fucking lonely and all I wanted was a person to share it with. That is how I ended up with a con artist from Ok Stupid who spent all my savings, beat me up, and left. FML. So I know even when I am financially back on my feet, I will still not be happy. So this is something I need to work on. No one can make me happy, that is my domain.

The thing about Billy is that I truly love the person I am when I am with him b/c he inspires me to constantly be a better person. I still have this feeling that he is the one, but I can't live for that. And I must let that idea go in the mean time while I sort my self out and get my life together. I just hate how sad and lost I feel without him. My life was so wonderful when he was in it.

I think I am over this spell of depression and contemplating suicide. Today was a beautiful day. I have been staying positive and surrounding myself with positive people. I have been working a lot. Hopefully if I continue to be positive it will radiate and attract good things and people in to my life. That would be really nice. I hope that the worst is over.

My Addiction

Why is it that I feel most inspired to bleed my guts out on this blog when I am busy working or doing other things...? Blah.

There's a very painful time in adolescence when one realizes that their parents are just people, not the perfect specimens that embody right and wrong. You take a hard look at what made and raised you and realize that like your parents, you are deeply flawed. Society is broken. There is a discord among the general populace. People reach a certain age and give in to the madness they had once evaded. The preconceived notions and judgement. They give in... unapologetically. Being a good person is a struggle for me b/c I am also an addict. Addiction haunts me and lingers. It creates the demons I battle. My addiction.

My addiction & subsequent affliction: is it sex addiction or love addiction? I am not sure. All I know is that sometimes the only thing that staunches my desire to die is the momentary (yet fleeting) satisfaction of cumming. Whether it be my hand, a vibrator, a dildo, or preferably a hard dick attached to a preternaturally sexy man... I crave it. Desire masked as "need" b/c it feels like I need it. Its a fix like any other drug. The first time I was touched by a boy, it felt so fucking good. I remember closing my eyes on the school bus, those long rides to school in Bastrop, Texas. Rural as fuck. We are talking 40 minutes. I just relived the moment over and over... the touch and how good it felt and how I *hoped* just hoped... that he would touch me that way again... AND SOON.

Nothing has really changed. My mind is preoccupied with sex most of the day. Until it isn't, b/c something disgusting has happened. Something so gross it is difficult to even mention. To type. Love. Its sickening really, falling in love. No, not really. I'll quote myself from circa 2008:

Knowing love is knowing pain. If there is nothing to lose then there is nothing to gain.

Love. I am also addicted to love. I want it. I crave it. I need it. I really thought I had it this time. And once again I'm shattered. The rambunctious freedoms of being lonely again. I'm different now and so is the pain. It is not masked with anger and insecurities. It is just pain, naked as the day I was born. It's raw and real and nearly unbearable. I'm strong AF though and this too shall pass. My heart is coated with callouses and stamped with the names of a few fallen lovers. Mangled and a bit like swiss cheese from the pieces I've given out in the past. This heart of mine, of no use to anyone anymore really. Irreparable damage no angel can assuage. I feel only sadness without him in my life. Strife. I wanted to be his wife. :'-(

I am past wanting to die. I know my worth. I deserve better. The obdurate insolence and radio silence tell me all I need to know, yet I still want to ignore the obvious. He never really loved me. My eyes blinded by the wool once again. Foiled. I'm the fool for believing it was real. It never is. Forever Alone meme. Tears lube my masturbation. Fuck this. 

Shell shock abated.

It was never about him or you. It was you. But I won't stand idly by and wait for someone who does not deserve me. If it is a matter of love and choice... I choose me. I love me. I love myself and I am happy to be alive. Not as happy as I am lucky. I love you, Billy. But I love me more.

All I can really say now is how much I miss you and how much this hurts. :-(

Some Microsoft Paint illustrations I made circa summer of 2003. Andrew was.... kinda crazy. LOL