Enigmatic

I feel like when I talk all you hear is static
You either love me or you don't 
Your silence is emphatic
You'll either see me or you won't 
You know I'd be ecstatic
This distance makes me numb
I go a little nuts, a little erratic...
And you're just playing dumb
Fucking enigmatic.

There, now I've written some lyrics to a shitty pop song that could be the next big hit. Just for Billy. Maybe that will win him back? Perhaps giving him real space and time will ameliorate his uncertainty about us. I haven't really done that. I am incessant. I text. I call. I facestalk. I fucking miss him. I want to talk to him all the time. But that can't be forced and by attempting to do so, I have just pushed him further away.

But there he is still. I'm sure he will see me late October as planned. We made a plan. I just need to leave it alone and stop being so damn needy. If there's a god, I hope he hears my prayers... to one day share what I had with this man again. For him to love me again the way he used to and for me to earn his trust back. I want so much to spend the rest of my life waking up to his beautiful face, holding his hand, kissing his lips, rubbing his shoulders, and doing all the hot sex stuff only to him. He is so fucking amazing and sexy and pretty much all I want in a partner. There will never be another Billy. No one will ever make me feel this way... I have been in love before, or so I thought... but he just honestly blows all the other former lovers out of the water. I suppose that is just what it feels like when you finally find your soulmate. I hope that is what this is.

As for Austin, my friends here really disappoint me. I have very few. I have four close friends in LA that I know would've made time especially for me on my birthday to spend time with me and do what I want to do to celebrate. I only found one friend willing to go to a FREE comedy show with me for my birthday last night. One friend in particular, I had reached out to and threw out a few options of things to do this week to celebrate my bday. "I have plans"... no other suggestions. Yeah, I don't need friends like that. No thanks. I won't be asking that person to hang out ever again. Thankfully, Todd came through and went to the comedy show with me and to get some delicious queso at Magnolia. He has been a really rad friend! I have a few great friends here... Esmail, Ghost, Dan, sommmmetimes Dave but he can be flaky... THEY ARE ALL BOYS. I am severely lacking some feminine energy in my life. Thank god I reconnected with Lorelei recently. It was so nice catching up with her on my birthday and I'm looking forward to seeing her this weekend. I need girl talk in my life... not the music (well the music is dope too)! I do have Cassie and Michelle to talk to and we definitely text often. I just can't wait to be residing on the west coast and brunching with my girlfriends engaging in girl talk IRL.

Work is.... boring. A means to an end. But it is stable, pays well, and provides good benefits. I need to schedule a physical tomorrow. And go make sure none of my freckles or moles have turned in to skin cancer again. Sure does suck having that cut out! Not as much as my 2nd laster tattoo removal hurt last night. Talk about OUCH! I decided its time to really tighten the purse strings. Grocery shopping. No more Favor delivery. No more shopping. No more dining out. Save. Save. Save. LA is going to be so expensive.

All in all, life is really decent. I have felt very emotionally stable. I have been sleeping. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in months. No hypomania. Now if only I could get my career sorted out once I get to LA and find something I am passionate about. As passionate as I am about my endeavor to be Billy's wife. Heh. 💖