A Year Ago (written October 11th)

It's been about a year since my boyfriend attempted to end my life. So much has happened since that time, it feels like Russ tried to kill me 5 years ago. I haven't seen him since that night. He is not allowed to call me, text me, give messages to friends to tell me, come near me, etc. It was the most painful break up that I have ever had. Having my partner of nearly 4 years attempt to take my life and then never to see him again sans closure... well, it was not an easy ending.

I forgave him though. It took a few months. I wasn't angry about him trying to kill me. I was angry that he was gone. I was angry that he was sick. I was angry that he loved alcohol more than he would ever love me. Mostly I was hurt. I'm so glad it is over now. I think of him sometimes and I hope he is better. I hope he is happy and healthy. I also hope that I never have to see him again. It would be far too painful.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be living in LA again, I would not have believed it. But here I am and I'm starting to feel happy. I'm sleeping well. I'm taking good care of myself. I'm working and I'm making new friends who are great people. The loneliness I have been struggling with since Russ and I split up, it is starting to subside.

I had another very bad break up in April. A man I had let move in to my home had siphoned off about $5,000 of my saving and then beat me up pretty badly before absconding with what was left of my dignity. My mind is just now recovering from the xanax (40 extra strength bars), ketamine, acid, cocaine, and whatever else of Brian Graham's drug stash I had found in my apartment that he had left behind. I took all those drugs to end my pain and also my life after he stole all my savings and attacked me.

I'm so lucky that I have a short term memory again. It is still foggy and I struggle a lot trying to remember things I knew moments before. Names are the hardest for me to remember. But I am getting better every day!

The aforementioned events have not broken me. They have made me stronger. Most importantly, they have made me wiser about the people that I let in to my life. I have a lot to offer as a friend and I'm grateful that I have some good friends to enjoy life with now. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who do not love or care about you. <3

A sad and lonely thanksgiving tomorrow.

I've been thinking a lot about killing myself. Maybe it is the time of the year. Maybe it is the circumstances. This city has that affect on me. I was so happy in LA, but I had no idea if my being there would be permanent. I had every intention of going back until my lover said he was done and went radio silent. It's been a few weeks now since I have heard his voice and it doesn't hurt one bit less. I just read all of our texts and cried for hours. I fucked up. I hurt him. And then I had to leave.

I've never been as happy as I was when I was with him. We walked hand in hand along the beach. Swung on the swing set at the park. Stayed up all night listening to music and making love. We fucked in parking lots and in public restrooms. So ribald. Mostly I just miss laughing with him, which was constant. All I want in this world is just to be with him. He made it all fade away... all the pain and there was a lot of fucking pain. I'm feeling it now though. More than ever. I fell in love with him the moment he brought me that Slurpee. He was exhausted and sweating profusely from the California valley heat. I'm praying to God that he will forgive me.

Here is my problem. I do not feel that I can be happy without him. I want so badly to be a whole person by my lonesome. I want to be self sufficient and happy all on my own. But a year ago when I was making a lot of money and had thousands in savings... I was so fucking lonely and all I wanted was a person to share it with. That is how I ended up with a con artist from Ok Stupid who spent all my savings, beat me up, and left. FML. So I know even when I am financially back on my feet, I will still not be happy. So this is something I need to work on. No one can make me happy, that is my domain.

The thing about Billy is that I truly love the person I am when I am with him b/c he inspires me to constantly be a better person. I still have this feeling that he is the one, but I can't live for that. And I must let that idea go in the mean time while I sort my self out and get my life together. I just hate how sad and lost I feel without him. My life was so wonderful when he was in it.

I think I am over this spell of depression and contemplating suicide. Today was a beautiful day. I have been staying positive and surrounding myself with positive people. I have been working a lot. Hopefully if I continue to be positive it will radiate and attract good things and people in to my life. That would be really nice. I hope that the worst is over.