:-(

I'm feeling very discouraged. My awesome contract position rating ads on Facebook has been terminated as of yesterday. I got notification that they had received all the data needed from me and that day would be my last. All of my status reports had been good so it wasn't an issue of performance. I can't be mad b/c it's a contract job and there was no guarantee of how long I would have it. I had been working for the company for years already. That is $1500 I won't be making every month now. Hence my disheartenment. Also, I was banking on that income to help my transition in to becoming an Angeleno. It would've really helped to move there knowing I would still at least have that part time job to keep me afloat. I'm remaining positive though. I need something part time in additional to my full time job though. I'm looking! And remaining hopeful. 

Yesterday my dermatologist removed the margins around the severely dysplastic mole that was biopsied a few weeks ago. So I have a big cut above my right breast that is stitched up. It hurts so much! And now I am not supposed to work out for a month. There is a strong likelihood that it could scar poorly or become a keloid. I'm pretty bummed about all the aforementioned. I was wanting to work out a lot in the next month to look really sexy when I see Billy next. Bleh. 

Well, I really hope I can still move to LA as planned in February. And I hope this scar heals nicely. And I hope that Billy is looking forward to seeing me as much as I am him. 

happy thoughts

My belly is full of ramen and house made ginger caramel soft-serve. Daruma is so delicious. Now I'm snuggled in bed next to Sparkle about to watch Ray Donovan. Life is really good and I have so much to look forward to in the coming months! I've been reflecting a lot on where I was last year and the poor choices I made. I have definitely come a long way since then and I've learned a lot.

First and foremost, I am soooooooooo excited for my next trip to LA in a month! I'm almost as excited to see Billy as I am to go to Camp Flog Gnaw and see Lana Del Rey! Haha... well I'm more excited to Billy actually, but that says a lot b/c I am obsessed w/ Lana. I'm really excited to attend the festival w/ Cassie. I know we are going to have a blast.

I'm looking forward to fall. I've outgrown Austin and I am ready to move, but I can't deny my fondess for fall, winter and spring here. The weather is so lovely. I really want Billy to come here in November to see me. I hope he is willing. I can take him to do fun Austin shit... eat tacos, Alamo, greenbelt, etc.

Recently I reunited with an old friend after about 15 years. Marijuana. My formative years were fueled by it... it made me feel light, relaxed and happy. Then early 20s, it changed and made me feel uneasy and paranoid. I enjoyed some while I was in LA last month and once again, really enjoyed it. I am not thrilled about how it's still illegal here though. I try to stay out of trouble. When I move back to Cali, I'll be enjoying it every evening. I love hitting the gym and going home and eating an edible.... followed by enjoying a delicious dinner and sleeping so good. Midsummer I was plagued by insomnia and feeling a bit hypomanic. It was causing me quite a bit of anxiety. The past month I have been sleeping so well and have been super relaxed. No anxiety. It's pretty amazing.

Billy

Billy has been in the desert for a week or so and will be there for another week. I miss him so much. I'm not like agonizing or anything, but I think of him often and I smile a lot knowing I'll be seeing him again in a month. I also get so horny thinking about him b/c he is so freakin irresistible.

He is such a great kisser. I love the way he smells. He just has the best heart and I know I am a better person when I am with him b/c he brings out the best in me. Finding a person who just innately makes you want to be better is so great. More than the (incredible) sex though, I really really miss spending time with him. I can't wait til we can spend time together like we used to. Waking up early to get coffee before he goes to work, walking to noho park and hanging on the swing set, just sitting by the pool and talking for hours, kissing on the metro.... sigh. The night he took me to Santa Monica was so perfect and magical.

Yeah, I'm in love. I can't imagine ever not loving him. I really hope we can make this work. I know I will never find anyone like him. 💕

Sabado

I am having such a lovely weekend. Last night LL and I went to Lee's and had so much fun. Had some cocktails, smoked some weed, swam, and sat in the hot tub. I fell asleep eating some caramel and cheese popcorn. Hehe. I forgot how beautiful it is out at the ranch in Lakeway. I have so many memories there too... Mostly good ones. My engagement party was a wonderful night even if the engagement ended tumultuously. God, I am so glad I didn't marry Stan. We were not a good match and I can't even imagine having to live in Dallas again. To be honest, I can't imagine why I would ever even go to Dallas again.

Going to hear some bands play and celebrate my friend's bday tonight. Should be a lot of fun, but I fully intend to call it a night around midnight. I'd like to go bike ride in the morning if I can get up early enough! I miss biking every day so much. No where to put it in the RV though. I'll probably bike more when I move to LA. I will definitely attend CicLAvia!

I did something I probably shouldn't have today. I texted my sister in law to state how I didn't appreciate how rude she was to me at my grandmother's funeral in May and also say she's a horrible person. It was beneath me and I shouldn't have done it, but I had a dream about her and just woke up steaming mad. I probably won't ever talk to her again. She is a shitty person and so are my brothers. I don't need people like that in my life.

Ok must shower and get pretty go out. I am hanging out w/ a new girlfriend I met last weekend. Yay! 😊

Cancer, Ramen, Friendship, Love and Stuff

Today I heard back from the dermatologist and found that the mole they shaved off above my breast is severely dysplastic, which basically means the dermatologist is really concerned about melanoma, but does not want to call it that. So they are going to have to go back in and cut the skin around it out (OUCH) and it will leave a big ugly scar. It is adjacent to my Batman tattoo that I am in the middle of having removed with laser treatments. I just feel like my chest is already ugly with shitty tattoos and now it will have a big scar... but I digress. At least it was caught early and I am not dealing with melanoma. After going through Russ' cancer, I hope I never have to do that myself or anyone that I love!

I was training someone on my project remotely at work today and so I wasn't able to binge watch The Office while I mindlessly submitted claims. What a disappointment! Haha. God, I want to get that FEMA job, but it's probably a long shot. I should know better than to get my hopes up about a federal job after the disappointment I felt with EPA.

Lorelei and I went and had ramen at Daruma on Friday and I've been craving it ever since. Friday I got the veggie ramen bowl and I went back after work today and got the tofu miso ramen. God was it delicious!

So delicious! L and I have a blast hanging out and I'm so glad we met in Newport Beach last year. What a crazy, wonderful, and beautiful summer that was... A month before I met Lorelei, Billy and I met and hung out for a few hours and the next night he took me to Tamashii Ramen House in NoHo. Our first date. I wonder if it is still open. If it is, he and I should go back there... to where it all began. Haha. Ramen and true love. 😊💕

FEMA

My period came about 5 days early this month and I was mildly disappointed to know Billy had not knocked me up. Realistically I know this is a good thing b/c we are not back together yet and not in the best position to be bringing life in to this world. I really hope we do someday! Lately I've been thinking about how I would love to be a foster parent once I am settled in LA. I think it would be really wonderful to open up my home to a child in need and provide them a safe space and lots of love. I have a lot of love to give. I really hope Billy and I get back together and its as wonderful as it was when we were together before. It would be so amazing to start a life together and later on, a family. 

Today I applied for 6 contract positions with FEMA to go to Houston and assist in disaster relief for 3 months. I have some experience and skills that would make me pretty useful in that capacity. The experience I'd gain would also be invaluable. I really hope I get it! The pay is great and once I finish the assignment, it would be time to make the move to LA. I want this so bad! But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I am praying though. It is a wonderful opportunity. My education, experience and skills are going to waste at my current job. And my compensations leaves a lot to be desired.  🙏🙏🙏

I got TABC certified so I can start doing beer, wine and liquor demos. Probably one a week on the weekends. Easy money and I am just trying to save as much as I can for my move. I am probably going to try to walk a few dogs with Wag a week. I miss my pet sitting business and spending time with lots of awesome dogs. I have been having so much fun going out with friends, but it has also been kinda expensive. I need to find more inexpensive activities for socializing. I did have a fantastic weekend though. Hung out with some good friends and made some new friends.

Just counting the days til I get to see Billy again. I can't wait to spend time with him.  😊💕

Please Help Dan!

Meth Motel & Itchy Assholes

Wow. Feeling this way is so refreshing. An old familiarity. Early to mid twenties, I was this happy. Budding success, loyal cohorts, provincial notoriety, and mental stability. Before it all came crashing down and I lost my fucking mind. Is it strange that I found myself again in Los Angeles? On more than one occasion too. I found a home in another person's heart there too.

I booked a room for B and I in Studio City October 27th, the night before Camp Flog Gnaw. I thought it was a steal... like half the price but found it odd that the motel didn't even have a website. I was able to locate these reviews on Yelp though:

LOL! So, yeah. I canceled that reservation quickly and booked a decent room with good reviews. Billy can't have guests where he is staying currently. I actually booked the room for 3 nights even though I am supposed to stay with Cassie Saturday and Sunday night. But..... Cassie lives 20 minutes from Studio City and I don't think she will be hurt if after I hang with her all day at the music festival, I wanna uber to be with Billy and sleep next to him in a big bed. OMG I can't wait. I hope he wants to spend all 3 nights with me. He said he was down to hang out Friday. As soon as he gets off work I am going to hug and kiss him so hard. We can then go eat delicious foods and catch up and hold hands and kiss more and 😁😁😁😁. Seriously. 6 weeks. He will be at Wasteland Weekend the next week or 2 working and doing whatever they do at WW. Raul says hang out... wear Mad Max clothes. Drive Mad Max cars. He loves it and I know he is super excited. That makes me happy... knowing he is happy and looking forward to something. I really hope he is also looking forward to seeing me.

So the past 6 months or so I have had a pretty itchy asshole. Watch this. Ok... like that! Or that episode of Curb. I only just recently got health insurance so I've just been suffering and itching. Total discomfort. I was fearful that it was a hemorrhoid or maybe something more sinister? Haha... even though I know I have no STDs. Annnnnyway, I saw a dermatologist last week and it's just dry skin. Apparently when you scratch your b-hole it thickens the skin and just makes it itchier. Its like a vicious itchy asshole cycle. I just picked up my prescription itchy asshole ointment at CVS and I'm pretty stoked to have a normal asshole. My asshole is pretty sweet normally and I'm kinda stoked to see if Billy wants to introduce it to Sir Magnificent. That is a name I just came up with for Billy's dick. It's pretty fitting. I'm not even really in to anal, but I've only had it a couple times and that was when I was engaged. Something tells me that it would be pretty rad with Billy b/c the regular sex is off the charts.

I wonder if he would get mad if he read all this personal shit I am putting on here? It's not the first time and he's read it before so... probably not. He just doesn't like when I talk shit about him on here. haha b/c... who would?? I really wish I had some weed right now. I'm watching the premier of Broad City and that would be perfect.

Oh, I've totally sucked ass on my diet. Last night, Esmail and I went to Cap City and I ordered cheesesticks. Tonight, I went to Alamo to use my free movie ticket and food vouchers. Lemonade, popcorn, and burrata. Yeah so.... Lorelei and I are hitting the gym tomorrow. I really need to get super sexy in the next 6 weeks.

Thx for reading. 💕

Life is Good

I went to see IT on Sunday with my friend Lorelei at the Bee Cave Cinemark theater. I mostly laughed the whole way through it b/c some parts were so cheesy. Four teenagers were sitting next to us covered in blankets talking loudly and grab assing the whole time. The theater had those comfy reclining seats, but not being an Alamo Drafthouse, these kids were talking super loud and moving around through half the movie without intervention. Finally, I asked them nicely to shut the fuck up and the boy next to me replied "suck my dick"! I was outraged and without thought, picked up the cup that had a small amount of Pineapple Cider left in it and threw it in his shitty teenage face. Hehehe. His girlfriend ran to tell management. When management approached I walked over to complain about the kids behavior and the boy walked up and in front of management said again "suck my dick, bitch!" and I was just like "see?" Theater staff made them all leave and LL and I got to enjoy the rest of the movie without all their heavy petting and ruckus. 😁

I set a goal to drop 15 lbs in the next 6 weeks and get in really good shape. I'm eating a keto diet which I did from June to August and it really worked well. I do love carbs so it will be challenging to again give up pizza and sammiches. I'll also be hitting the gym daily. TBH, I just want to look hot as all hell naked for when I see Billy next b/c I wanna lock him down. Haha. Not that he is really superficial, but he is a man.

I just watched my friend Louis documentary Dream is Destiny about Richard Linklater. It was really good! Louis did an amazing job. I forgot how many amazing movies Linklater has made. I wish I could get a job in the film industry. Seems like it would be pretty exciting. I have no idea what I would do though. I'm much more suited for environmental work. I really hope I can find something cool like that in LA. I think I will!

Feeling this happy feels somewhat foreign. I like it though! Tonight Esmail and I are going to a comedy show at Cap City that should be really awesome. I can't wait! I've become a stand up comedy junkie b/c... who doesn't love to laugh? Might be difficult sticking to my diet there though. Haha. Ok, I should get back to work. Enjoy this pornographic image I made for Billy. 😊

It's even proportionally accurate b/c Billy is skinny and I'm kinda round. Hehe

So Very Happy

Billy called me this morning. 😊  I was so happy to hear from him. He's about to go to Wasteland Weekend for two weeks. I'm excited for him. I hope he has so much fun. October 27th can NOT come soon enough. That is when I will see him next. So yeah... there is no more uncertainty about whether I'll see him again. And well... I was so happy to delete this shit:

Not that I ever really used them seriously or checked my messages anyway. But I have no use for dating apps. I am in love with the most amazing guy on the planet (in my opinion) who is perfect for me in every single way. I know we have a long way to go before we are actually back together, but I also know he still loves me. I'm not fucking this up. Given the opportunity, I will love this man forever.

I'm so happy right now. Not just b/c of Billy but b/c of all the wonderful people I have in my life. Apart from some setbacks on my road to recovery, I am in a pretty good place in my life. Just need to keep it up and strive every day to be my best self and make good decisions.

Also, last night was my last night partying in Austin. I don't need to see guys I used to fuck 10 years ago. I don't wanna be up til 5 drinking. I am 35. I want to be living in Cali fast asleep by 11pm next to the love of my life and waking up early to make him breakfast every day before we go to work. That is my dream. I don't fit in in the scene here anymore at all. I'm awkward and uncomfortable in those situations. I'd rather go shopping with my bestie and have a sex in the city type brunch and then go swim at barton springs. Home by 8, bed by 11. Orrrrr..... Sunday volleyball with Cassie and comedy shows. Shopping at Wasteland and hiking Runyon with Michelle. I'm not sure if I have mentioned this, but I am so ready to move back to LA!

Enigmatic

I feel like when I talk all you hear is static
You either love me or you don't 
Your silence is emphatic
You'll either see me or you won't 
You know I'd be ecstatic
This distance makes me numb
I go a little nuts, a little erratic...
And you're just playing dumb
Fucking enigmatic.

There, now I've written some lyrics to a shitty pop song that could be the next big hit. Just for Billy. Maybe that will win him back? Perhaps giving him real space and time will ameliorate his uncertainty about us. I haven't really done that. I am incessant. I text. I call. I facestalk. I fucking miss him. I want to talk to him all the time. But that can't be forced and by attempting to do so, I have just pushed him further away.

But there he is still. I'm sure he will see me late October as planned. We made a plan. I just need to leave it alone and stop being so damn needy. If there's a god, I hope he hears my prayers... to one day share what I had with this man again. For him to love me again the way he used to and for me to earn his trust back. I want so much to spend the rest of my life waking up to his beautiful face, holding his hand, kissing his lips, rubbing his shoulders, and doing all the hot sex stuff only to him. He is so fucking amazing and sexy and pretty much all I want in a partner. There will never be another Billy. No one will ever make me feel this way... I have been in love before, or so I thought... but he just honestly blows all the other former lovers out of the water. I suppose that is just what it feels like when you finally find your soulmate. I hope that is what this is.

As for Austin, my friends here really disappoint me. I have very few. I have four close friends in LA that I know would've made time especially for me on my birthday to spend time with me and do what I want to do to celebrate. I only found one friend willing to go to a FREE comedy show with me for my birthday last night. One friend in particular, I had reached out to and threw out a few options of things to do this week to celebrate my bday. "I have plans"... no other suggestions. Yeah, I don't need friends like that. No thanks. I won't be asking that person to hang out ever again. Thankfully, Todd came through and went to the comedy show with me and to get some delicious queso at Magnolia. He has been a really rad friend! I have a few great friends here... Esmail, Ghost, Dan, sommmmetimes Dave but he can be flaky... THEY ARE ALL BOYS. I am severely lacking some feminine energy in my life. Thank god I reconnected with Lorelei recently. It was so nice catching up with her on my birthday and I'm looking forward to seeing her this weekend. I need girl talk in my life... not the music (well the music is dope too)! I do have Cassie and Michelle to talk to and we definitely text often. I just can't wait to be residing on the west coast and brunching with my girlfriends engaging in girl talk IRL.

Work is.... boring. A means to an end. But it is stable, pays well, and provides good benefits. I need to schedule a physical tomorrow. And go make sure none of my freckles or moles have turned in to skin cancer again. Sure does suck having that cut out! Not as much as my 2nd laster tattoo removal hurt last night. Talk about OUCH! I decided its time to really tighten the purse strings. Grocery shopping. No more Favor delivery. No more shopping. No more dining out. Save. Save. Save. LA is going to be so expensive.

All in all, life is really decent. I have felt very emotionally stable. I have been sleeping. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in months. No hypomania. Now if only I could get my career sorted out once I get to LA and find something I am passionate about. As passionate as I am about my endeavor to be Billy's wife. Heh. 💖

Ideas to Get Billy Back

I woke up at 5am with this brilliant idea to win back my lover of yore. A figurative lightbulb shown above me - zing! Shall I write an epic ballad for my erstwhile paramour, surely that will bring him back in to my good graces and he will be mine again. Surely? All I must do is accurately explicate my love and adoration. Long ago I wrote a poem about a long, lost friend Frogstein... When this friend went missing, I felt the same woeful malaise that I am feeling now.... but even more so now. Perhaps I could interchange Frogstein with Billstein? Hmmm... Billy is not bright, beautiful and green. He is beautiful, but he also didn't live outside a pool and get run over so that probably won't work.

When first I gazed upon him
(more like I stared)
From his long curly hair...
to the warm smile he proffered,
Neath a nevus like Cindy Crawford
Could he be as sweet...
as he was aesthetically pleasing?
Indeed he was, full of vim.

Ok this is truly terrible and I should probably sleep more before I must drag myself to work. God, I fucking miss him. This distance and uncertainty are really driving me mad. A few days ago, I slept with a non-Billy and while it was fun.... left me feeling despondent and even further away from him. I don't want to do that again. I did nothing wrong b/c despite my endeavors, he is not my boyfriend again. At least, not yet.

I had a really nice birthday. I felt very loved by my friends and family. I got to spend time with a girlfriend I had not seen in ages. I helped her run lines for a short film she is doing tomorrow and that made me miss LA even more. I love running lines with my actor friends! Looking forward to a comedy show tomorrow after work.

Ugh.... I miss Billy. I wish he was here right now so I could lick ranch dressing off his beautiful penis. The organic Opa's brand though. I have standards.

Hello 35

It's been a pretty nice birthday. My dad brought me flowers and lunch at work. A coworker brought me cupcakes. Louis got me a delicious cake from Upper Crust Bakery. I even got a text from Billy. Succinct... nice to know he was at least thinking of me.

Ugh. I feel so frustrated not knowing where I stand with him. All I want is to be his girl again and to talk to him every day... and to move back to LA and him to move in with me and marry me and put babies in me. That's all! Is that too much to ask. Bleh.

Gonna go chill w/ Lorelei in Lee's condo. Some fun girl talk should take my mind off this Billy stress.