Leenie's Xmas Wish List *edited*

↠ Tarot cards (lost mine)
↠ New Apple Headphones (mine crapped out)
↠ New vibrator
↠ Sexy lingerie that Billy would enjoy (this list is just for Billy, BTW)
↠ Chocolate covered gummy bears
↠ Delicious milk chocolates with peanut butter (reese's suck)
↠ Betsey Johnson jewelry from ebay (especially the astronaut or large gold bows *cheap*)
↠ Your eternal love & devotion - Marry me! Hehe.

I love you so much and I can't wait to spend our first (of so so so many) Christmas' together! Xo

😘

Holy Shit

Holy shit, I am so in love w/ my boyfriend. And he is in love w/ me. Our relationship is truly wonderful and off to a really good start. I want to marry him! And to have his children. I mostly just want to see him smile and be with him is as much as possible. His happiness gives me great joy. As does simply being with him. I'm so grateful. Yeah yeah yeah... having love like this in my life makes me so incredibly happy to be alive.

💖💖💖💖💖💖

This is My Bliss

I just spent 4 of the most incredible days of my life with my boyfriend. I honestly believe we fell in love with each other all over again. Four days of making love, holding one another, professing our love, having intimate and meaningful discussions, laughing together, enjoying delicious meals together, etc. Our own personal Cockaigne, a land of delightful pleasures devoid of pain. I feel so at ease right now. My fears of losing him and doubts about his feelings for me have been absolutely assuaged. He showed me his love for me. He held me, his hand on my face and told me how much he loves me and how happy he is to be with me. Every time he tells me he loves me, my heart palpitates. Every time he touches me, I melt. Blood rushes to my genitals. He makes me wet and hungry. And then he satisfies my every need. Not just how he makes me cum over and over again. He holds me post coitus. He kisses me softly and he makes me feel safer than I ever have in my life.

I have never felt so loved before... and by someone so beautiful, inside and out. I trust him completely. He would never hurt me, emotionally or physically. I can't believe someone so wonderful, smart, handsome, and sweet has chosen me. But maybe I should b/c I have made great strides. He is proud of my progress. That means so much to me. I'm proud of him too. I'm honestly in disbelief. I have wanted him for so long. I pined. I cried. I prayed. I never gave up hope. It's hard to believe he is actually mine again and that he truly is happy to be mine and happy to call me his.

I am so in love. I hope everyone in the world can feel this way, can find the person that makes their life complete. The world sure as hell would be a much more peaceful planet.

My life is so good right now it's surreal. My hard work has been rewarded with a raise and I'll soon receive a generous bonus. I'm thankful for my 4 jobs and that I have an opportunity to work hard and save money to move to California. I'm so grateful for my family and my close friends. My dog is a loyal and loving companion that brightens all my days.

Less than a month til I have another 4 days of bliss with my lover in LA. He has no idea how good this thing is going to be and it will just get better and better. I'm going to love him so hard and show him so much kindness. This is forever. I'm going to marry this man. I'm going to having his beautiful children. All my life I've dreamt of finding a loving man that I adore and starting a family and being a mother. I believe he is going to make all my dreams come true. And I'll do my best to do the same for him. He honestly inspires me to be my best self. That's what he deserves. He helped me on to a better path a year ago... a path of self discovery, healing, and of reestablishing a loving relationship with myself.

Billy, you are my world. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for loving me. It is the best gift I've ever received... besides the gift of life I got from my parents. I love you. 💗💖💕💘

Dear Grandma (Hannelore Hoffman)

You passed away June 10th and I'm feeling it more now than I did then. Why do the holidays make loss so palpable? I held your frail hand as you lay dying and told you how much I love you, for that I am grateful. You're gone now though. There will never be another Thanksgiving at your home in Florence, TX. I'll never taste those artery clogging mashed potatoes made with 2 or more sticks of butter again. They were so good. I'll never hear your thick german accent so full of love calling me your little princess. I took you for granted the past several years... I was so lost in my own mental illness and shame that I just dipped out of most familial obligations. I'm so sorry for that. There will never be another Christmas at your house... another gift accompanied by your reminder that this was "something to remember you by"... all of those gifts lost when I left my ex fiance in 2012 and he burnt up all my belongings. That's neither here nor there. I have been through hell and back. I'm alive and grandma, I remember you. Your DNA is alive in me. I will never forget you. I burst in to tears at work this evening... thinking about your laugh and your life and how painful and lonely it was for you at the end. I am mourning you.

That day was especially lovely. Your sister was visiting and you went to put on lipstick to look pretty for photographs and it was smeared unevenly... like a prostitute in an alley. Somehow it was the cutest thing ever.

That is us in 2008, after your maybe 2nd heart attack. I think I freaked you out b/c I asked you if you were scared to die. You were. I was manic at the time... my 2nd serious manic episode that lasted months and months. I probably freaked you out. I was scared for you... and scared about mortality in general, particularly my own. In between my suicidal idealizations, were black out inducing anxiety attacks seeded by the fear of death. What a truly terrifying time in my life. I thank god every day for the stability I possess and cherish now.

This motion blurred photo was taken subsequently and I don't believe we moved the camera during the selfie. Overexposure probably... but I liked to think it was my grandfather making an appearance... letting us both know we weren't alone. I liked to think that it meant SHE was not alone b/c he died so many years before her.

But my grandmother... she is gone. And I can't stop crying. Soon, my other grandparents may be gone. One day my parents will be gone. And while I've pretty much let my brothers go b/c they have written me out of my life... the thought of their loss saddens me too.

I'll be ok and hopefully so will my Daddy. He lost his Mama after all. These holidays will be so hard for him. I suggested he find solace in his grandchildren who adore him. I will be there for him for Thanksgiving.

I'll be ok. I am so fucking happy. I am in a relationship with an amazing man who loves me. I love this man more than I have ever loved any person on this earth. He is a beautiful soul and it's likely we will have a loving and prosperous life together. All I want in this world is to make however slightest difference, to make a lasting impact... and to grow old with Billy. Maybe we will have some kids. Perhaps they will have kids... And one day my grandkid will write a blog like this about me after I pass. If blogs are even still a thing in the future. They probably will... Thank you for reading.

me / moon

This morning I had to pinch myself I'm so happy. My dreams have come true. Billy and I have reconciled and are back together again. Furthermore, he is visiting me in Austin for Thanksgiving! Needless to say, my visit with him in LA was wonderful... as was seeing Lana Del Rey w/ Miss Cassie. LDR (Lana Del Rey) was life changing... and my life was also changed by entering into a different kind of LDR (long distance relationship). I have also made some plans for the next few months and set a date to make my permanent move to Los Angeles.

I'll be working one more season as a manager at Liberty Tax (evenings and weekends) in addition to my position as Trust Lead at the asbestos law firm where I currently work. I will also continue doing brand ambassador work on the weekends. April is when I make my move and it looks like I'll be subletting my friend's place in Los Feliz indefinitely in exchange for providing him a free place to stay when he is in town. It's a really nice area and will be mostly furnished so it is... FUCKING PERFECT. Things are really falling in to place and I am so happy. I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop b/c I have been working super hard and will continue to do so. I have pined my ass off to be with the man I love and he sees now that I am bigger than my past mistakes. He still loves me and he has chosen to be my partner in life again. I am so blessed. He is amazing. I have not and never will love another man the way I love and adore him. I vow to treat him with utmost respect and kindness as long as I am graced with his partnership.

It's likely I'll be attending Lana's show here in Austin in February thanks to Louis. Hopefully with a plus two for Lorelei and Cass! I love my girlfriends! Hopefully I'll get to catch up w/ LL tomorrow or Friday. Sunday my friend Lauren returns from CA and I'm picking her up from the airport so we can have lunch and catch up. Lauren is an aspiring actress and I suggested to her that she hightail it w/ me to LA in April and share the apartment w/ me. After all, what better place to have such aspirations? She's really talented too. She showed me some of her work.

All I wanna do in LA is find a stable, interesting career that pays well and provides health insurance so Billy and I can eventually get our own place and start a lovely little family. I love him so much! And I really fucking love California. I have visions in my head of us and a toddler spending days on the beach... or family camping trips when our kiddo is a little older. We could have such an incredible little life together. I don't need or want much. I want him, a family, and a career that makes some positive differences in this world.

So Billy arrives Thanksgiving evening and I am taking him to 24 Diner for a Thanksgiving meal. The next night we will have a romantic and hopefully ghostly stay at The Driskill. I may even introduce him to my parents... I hope he likes Sparkle! 💖

I can feel myself getting sick... chest cold maybe. It's cold and rainy and I should get some rest. Thanks for reading! Xo

una mas semana

Half way through Friday and I'll get to celebrate the cessation of a long ass week. One week from now exactly I'll be in LA... possibly hiking Runyon with Michelle or visiting Dustyn and River. I can't wait!!! I actually got up at 5am and hit the gym. For some reason I was wide awake extra early and I made the most of it. Sparkle and I also had a nice walk after the gym. She stopped to sniff every other thing so it wasn't a very long walk. Haha. Love that girl.

I've decided to put my lunch hour to use by walking this week and it's been great. I've been getting about 10,000 steps a day. It's not good to be so sedentary all day in an office. I am close to my fitness goals and need to keep it up.

Tonight should be fun. Supposed to get together w/ my girlfriend for dinner and maybe a couple drinks. The rest of the weekend I will be busy doing demos and pet sitting for my parents. I really hope the time flies til next Friday! 💗

busy AF

I was driving to my evening job and the sky was a dark blue resembling the ocean. I can't wait to plunge in to it next week... in the form of a plane to Los Angeles. Aside from that long weekend in LA if you're wondering what I am doing any point in time for the next few months the answer is: working or sleeping. There will not be much in between. The goals have been set and I'm determined to meet them. There are much bigger things that I want than just relocating to Los Angeles. I long to use my degree and have a career where I am making a decent living while protecting or improving environmental conditions. All I can really do now is stay positive and keep working hard at what I am doing right now.

Camp Flog Gnaw is a little over a week away and we still don't have a schedule! How frustrating. I just wanna know when Lana is playing so I can plan that weekend accordingly. I have been bringing my lunch to work every day and cooking dinner a) to save money and b) to lose weight. At 128 lbs I look good, but not great. I want to be super in shape, but my evening job will solve that quickly. Walking up and down stairs. My weekend jobs as brand ambassador (for an awesome charitable dog food and for different types of liquor) pay really well.

My scrimping and saving will be rewarded on my mini-vacay though! I plan to eat a lot of awesome food while I am there... hopefully accompanied by Billy. I should be spending most of the weekend w/ him, but at this point I have learned to expect the worst from him. He may go AWOL as soon as I get to LA and ghost me yet again. I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does I will know it's definitely time to let him go and open myself up to the idea of being w/ another man. I'm hopeful, but realistic.

To be honest, yes I am very excited to see him for longer than 2 hours. For the first time in almost exactly a year. We can get high, have sex for hours, go have an awesome dinner somewhere, eat donuts in bed, wake up and go eat brunch, hold hands, make out, etc..... Yeah I really hope all that and more awaits.

I miss my LA besties a lot. I'm pretty damn lonely in Austin aside from a couple cool friends.

donuts are delicious

Last night Todd and I went to a free stand up comedy show at Gourdoughs and got the most amazing cheesecake stuffed donut w/ strawberries. Then we witnessed a seriously painful heckling interaction between a douchebag and a comedian (Christina Parrish) where she ended up annihilating his vape puffing idiot ass. Hehehe.

It is so gorgeous outside I should go for a walk on my break. I'm training someone at work (AGAIN) and dear god, it is brutal. The only thing more boring than what I do, is watching people do it... Bleh. It is now my favorite time of year. I love when its 55-65 degrees outside! I need more sweaters.

I have a plethora of Tasty Bites Indian Food non-perishable meals and I have decided these will be my lunch for the next 3 weeks. Yogurt for breakfast. Shit from HEB for dinner. NO MORE EATING OUT. Must save money and must go to gym a lot. I start my weekend job doing demos on Saturday. Hope it goes well!

God I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. I have been enjoying old episodes lately while I work.... when I'm not having to train new people. The first 2 episodes of the current season have been great. :)

all good things

People continue to read this blog thus I feel compelled to update it periodically. Can I just tell you how incredibly happy I am? Look, I'm full of shit. I was just saying a couple weeks ago that my happiness is not contingent on my relationship status with Billy, but that is a lie.

Sure, I could be happy with out him... it would probably take years. Who knows? I get asked out... a lot. I say no... always. So I havent really opened myself up to the possibility of being with another man let alone falling in love with one. I don't want to. I just want him. When I don't talk to him for a while I feel despondent. But after he called me last night and we talked, well I still feel elated and so looking forward to seeing him again. Less than 3 weeks now!

It's so likely we will be together again and I find myself daydreaming about our impending life together in California. It feels me with such joy and excitement. In the meantime, there is much work to be done and money to be made to make the aforementioned a reality. It's possible, but it won't be easy.

I got to visit with my grandfather for a bit today. I realized how much he's aged and felt a pang of fear that he and my grandmother may not be around for that much longer. I could be wrong, but I did lose my Grandma Hoffman last May. I'm definitely not ready to lose my last 2 remaining grandparents! I love them so much.

Six months ago, my life was so lonely and depressing. I has very few friends or had just lost touch w/ some of the ones I did have. And I didn't think I would ever see Billy again. I had gotten fat from excessive ice cream consumption. Haha. Things are so much better now. My last trip to Cali really helped me. More than seeing Billy, spending time with Michelle and Cassie was also really reaffirming that I have value as a person and as a friend. I was really lacking in feminine energy in my life. And then I reconnected with Lorelei here and made friends with Lauren. I feel so blessed to have some really good friends!

I am starting a 2nd job this weekend and a 3rd next week. I will have zero free time which is good b/c I will be spending lesson recreational activities. Work and sleep. But California is the endgame. I'm a very driven person and if I want something bad enough, I'll make it happen. So here I go.

Lena Del Rey

I have the day off and I slept in until 8am! I get my stitches out at 11 and after that I'm getting some mutha effin' ramen at Daruma!

Last night, Todd and I went out and had a blast. We had some drinks at Valhalla, went to watch a band (Los Coast) play at Valhalla, and then got some grub at Arlo's. What a fun night and that band was amazing! 

Later I will be putting some much needed time in at the gym after that huge peach fritter yesterday and week of no working out b/c of the stitches. I'm a little fluffy ATM.

3 weeks until Lana Del Rey! And LA! Soooooooo stoked.

💗

💔

Feels sad.
Craves fat and sugar.
Walks to donut shop on break to buy donut.



Buys donut bigger than face. Peach fritter with cream cheese icing.
Cries while eating 1/4 donut. Gives 1/4 to the only coworker I kinda don't hate.
Goes home from work.
Strips down.
Stares at body in mirror to assess level of fatness.
Decides not too fat.
Eats remainder of donut while crying.

work work work

Well I've picked up one other part time job to help supplement the income I am missing since I lost my Facebook gig. It's a trash valet at an apartment complex, picking up garbage and recycling outside people's doors from 8 to 11 Sunday through Thursday. And the pay is not great either. The draw is getting paid to walk up and down stairs for 3 hours 5 days a week though. Haha. I will be in such good shape! This is temporary too. Also, I will be so busy working my day job and this job, I will not have time to go do frivolous activities like drinking and dining out. So I'll be spending less and making (a little) money.

Tomorrow after work I have an interview for a banquet staff position on the weekends. Pay is $15/hour and its for weekend events. That's decent pay for banquet staffing. I've done the work before and know what to expect. I used to work weddings in Driftwood many years ago. It wasn't bad except for the time the best man grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat. That was... alarming. I guess I looked irresistible that day. That or the open tequila bar... or both. So if I get that job I will be busy weekends doing that.

Both aforementioned jobs together will still be less money than what I pulled in working for Facebook, but an extra $1000 a month is essential if I want to have enough money to move to LA. Rather than be bitter about losing that awesome job, I choose to be grateful that I had it as long as I did. And I choose to be proactive about finding solutions to remove any obstacle that stands between me and my goals.

My goals? Move to California. Find a great job using my degree. And be with the man I love. I was pretty much standing in my own way and my own obstacle for the latter. Mostly doing things that pushed him further away. I don't think I am doing that anymore. When I left LA last year and Billy ended things and cut off contact, I fell in to such a deep depression I lost my sense of self and any direction that I had. I got kinda obsessed too... believing he was the only thing in this world that would make me happy. Which is ridiculous b/c I was a mess when I was his girlfriend. I do believe we could be very happy together though and that we compliment each other well. I don't need him though and I no longer believe that he is the be-all end-all and essential to my happiness.

Honestly, I have my doubts about him lately. He has not shown me much kindness in the past year. I made mistakes and ruined our relationship and he was rightfully angry and pulled away. However, I've since made great strides and feel that it would be a good time to start anew with him. At least, that is what I want to propose when I see him next. I'm at an impasse for how things are currently. I really hope he is willing to give us a real chance again. To talk to me daily and to come visit me in Austin... and to make plans to start a life together when I move back to California.

I feel a lot of relief knowing that I'll be ok... and even happy eventually... should Billy choose not ever be with me again. Since I saw him, I have not been preoccupied worrying about him. I've been focused on my own life and goals. Though I'm blissfully content that he is a part of my life and that I get to look forward to seeing him again soon.

Today/last night was a sad day. ~58 people shot in Las Vegas and we lost Tom Petty. 😓😔 Tom Petty will always remind me of my dad. 💕

thinking about ice cream

I can't figure out if I like marijuana or not. I sometimes enjoy edibles, other times it makes me alarmingly introspective and worrisome over nothing. I would much rather have edibles than smoke b/c of my asthma, but prefer the effect of just smoking a little pot. What a conundrum.

I am so bored! I've been pretty sedentary b/c of the stitches on my chest (where my derm removed the margins of a severely dysplastic mole). It was such a gorgeous weekend.  I wish I could've gone swimming, biking, etc. I did go see Dave while he was working last night and that was fun. I shouldn't allow myself to get bored. I should find a good book to read.

I met a labradoodle that I may be pet sitting over Thanksgiving. She is a super sweet dog and I'd be staying at a condo on Rainey which would be fun being right on the hike and bike trail. Just gotta see if Sparkle and dog get along. I hope they do. 😊

I honestly do like my job but I wish it paid more. Now that I've lost my gig w/ Appen, I have been looking for a 2nd job. 2 interview this next week. Nothing great, but I just wanna be making as much as I can so I can move as planned.

Curb Your Enthusiasm tonight. Yay!

:-(

I'm feeling very discouraged. My awesome contract position rating ads on Facebook has been terminated as of yesterday. I got notification that they had received all the data needed from me and that day would be my last. All of my status reports had been good so it wasn't an issue of performance. I can't be mad b/c it's a contract job and there was no guarantee of how long I would have it. I had been working for the company for years already. That is $1500 I won't be making every month now. Hence my disheartenment. Also, I was banking on that income to help my transition in to becoming an Angeleno. It would've really helped to move there knowing I would still at least have that part time job to keep me afloat. I'm remaining positive though. I need something part time in additional to my full time job though. I'm looking! And remaining hopeful. 

Yesterday my dermatologist removed the margins around the severely dysplastic mole that was biopsied a few weeks ago. So I have a big cut above my right breast that is stitched up. It hurts so much! And now I am not supposed to work out for a month. There is a strong likelihood that it could scar poorly or become a keloid. I'm pretty bummed about all the aforementioned. I was wanting to work out a lot in the next month to look really sexy when I see Billy next. Bleh. 

Well, I really hope I can still move to LA as planned in February. And I hope this scar heals nicely. And I hope that Billy is looking forward to seeing me as much as I am him. 

happy thoughts

My belly is full of ramen and house made ginger caramel soft-serve. Daruma is so delicious. Now I'm snuggled in bed next to Sparkle about to watch Ray Donovan. Life is really good and I have so much to look forward to in the coming months! I've been reflecting a lot on where I was last year and the poor choices I made. I have definitely come a long way since then and I've learned a lot.

First and foremost, I am soooooooooo excited for my next trip to LA in a month! I'm almost as excited to see Billy as I am to go to Camp Flog Gnaw and see Lana Del Rey! Haha... well I'm more excited to Billy actually, but that says a lot b/c I am obsessed w/ Lana. I'm really excited to attend the festival w/ Cassie. I know we are going to have a blast.

I'm looking forward to fall. I've outgrown Austin and I am ready to move, but I can't deny my fondess for fall, winter and spring here. The weather is so lovely. I really want Billy to come here in November to see me. I hope he is willing. I can take him to do fun Austin shit... eat tacos, Alamo, greenbelt, etc.

Recently I reunited with an old friend after about 15 years. Marijuana. My formative years were fueled by it... it made me feel light, relaxed and happy. Then early 20s, it changed and made me feel uneasy and paranoid. I enjoyed some while I was in LA last month and once again, really enjoyed it. I am not thrilled about how it's still illegal here though. I try to stay out of trouble. When I move back to Cali, I'll be enjoying it every evening. I love hitting the gym and going home and eating an edible.... followed by enjoying a delicious dinner and sleeping so good. Midsummer I was plagued by insomnia and feeling a bit hypomanic. It was causing me quite a bit of anxiety. The past month I have been sleeping so well and have been super relaxed. No anxiety. It's pretty amazing.

Billy

Billy has been in the desert for a week or so and will be there for another week. I miss him so much. I'm not like agonizing or anything, but I think of him often and I smile a lot knowing I'll be seeing him again in a month. I also get so horny thinking about him b/c he is so freakin irresistible.

He is such a great kisser. I love the way he smells. He just has the best heart and I know I am a better person when I am with him b/c he brings out the best in me. Finding a person who just innately makes you want to be better is so great. More than the (incredible) sex though, I really really miss spending time with him. I can't wait til we can spend time together like we used to. Waking up early to get coffee before he goes to work, walking to noho park and hanging on the swing set, just sitting by the pool and talking for hours, kissing on the metro.... sigh. The night he took me to Santa Monica was so perfect and magical.

Yeah, I'm in love. I can't imagine ever not loving him. I really hope we can make this work. I know I will never find anyone like him. 💕

Sabado

I am having such a lovely weekend. Last night LL and I went to Lee's and had so much fun. Had some cocktails, smoked some weed, swam, and sat in the hot tub. I fell asleep eating some caramel and cheese popcorn. Hehe. I forgot how beautiful it is out at the ranch in Lakeway. I have so many memories there too... Mostly good ones. My engagement party was a wonderful night even if the engagement ended tumultuously. God, I am so glad I didn't marry Stan. We were not a good match and I can't even imagine having to live in Dallas again. To be honest, I can't imagine why I would ever even go to Dallas again.

Going to hear some bands play and celebrate my friend's bday tonight. Should be a lot of fun, but I fully intend to call it a night around midnight. I'd like to go bike ride in the morning if I can get up early enough! I miss biking every day so much. No where to put it in the RV though. I'll probably bike more when I move to LA. I will definitely attend CicLAvia!

I did something I probably shouldn't have today. I texted my sister in law to state how I didn't appreciate how rude she was to me at my grandmother's funeral in May and also say she's a horrible person. It was beneath me and I shouldn't have done it, but I had a dream about her and just woke up steaming mad. I probably won't ever talk to her again. She is a shitty person and so are my brothers. I don't need people like that in my life.

Ok must shower and get pretty go out. I am hanging out w/ a new girlfriend I met last weekend. Yay! 😊

Cancer, Ramen, Friendship, Love and Stuff

Today I heard back from the dermatologist and found that the mole they shaved off above my breast is severely dysplastic, which basically means the dermatologist is really concerned about melanoma, but does not want to call it that. So they are going to have to go back in and cut the skin around it out (OUCH) and it will leave a big ugly scar. It is adjacent to my Batman tattoo that I am in the middle of having removed with laser treatments. I just feel like my chest is already ugly with shitty tattoos and now it will have a big scar... but I digress. At least it was caught early and I am not dealing with melanoma. After going through Russ' cancer, I hope I never have to do that myself or anyone that I love!

I was training someone on my project remotely at work today and so I wasn't able to binge watch The Office while I mindlessly submitted claims. What a disappointment! Haha. God, I want to get that FEMA job, but it's probably a long shot. I should know better than to get my hopes up about a federal job after the disappointment I felt with EPA.

Lorelei and I went and had ramen at Daruma on Friday and I've been craving it ever since. Friday I got the veggie ramen bowl and I went back after work today and got the tofu miso ramen. God was it delicious!

So delicious! L and I have a blast hanging out and I'm so glad we met in Newport Beach last year. What a crazy, wonderful, and beautiful summer that was... A month before I met Lorelei, Billy and I met and hung out for a few hours and the next night he took me to Tamashii Ramen House in NoHo. Our first date. I wonder if it is still open. If it is, he and I should go back there... to where it all began. Haha. Ramen and true love. 😊💕

FEMA

My period came about 5 days early this month and I was mildly disappointed to know Billy had not knocked me up. Realistically I know this is a good thing b/c we are not back together yet and not in the best position to be bringing life in to this world. I really hope we do someday! Lately I've been thinking about how I would love to be a foster parent once I am settled in LA. I think it would be really wonderful to open up my home to a child in need and provide them a safe space and lots of love. I have a lot of love to give. I really hope Billy and I get back together and its as wonderful as it was when we were together before. It would be so amazing to start a life together and later on, a family. 

Today I applied for 6 contract positions with FEMA to go to Houston and assist in disaster relief for 3 months. I have some experience and skills that would make me pretty useful in that capacity. The experience I'd gain would also be invaluable. I really hope I get it! The pay is great and once I finish the assignment, it would be time to make the move to LA. I want this so bad! But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I am praying though. It is a wonderful opportunity. My education, experience and skills are going to waste at my current job. And my compensations leaves a lot to be desired.  🙏🙏🙏

I got TABC certified so I can start doing beer, wine and liquor demos. Probably one a week on the weekends. Easy money and I am just trying to save as much as I can for my move. I am probably going to try to walk a few dogs with Wag a week. I miss my pet sitting business and spending time with lots of awesome dogs. I have been having so much fun going out with friends, but it has also been kinda expensive. I need to find more inexpensive activities for socializing. I did have a fantastic weekend though. Hung out with some good friends and made some new friends.

Just counting the days til I get to see Billy again. I can't wait to spend time with him.  😊💕

Please Help Dan!

Meth Motel & Itchy Assholes

Wow. Feeling this way is so refreshing. An old familiarity. Early to mid twenties, I was this happy. Budding success, loyal cohorts, provincial notoriety, and mental stability. Before it all came crashing down and I lost my fucking mind. Is it strange that I found myself again in Los Angeles? On more than one occasion too. I found a home in another person's heart there too.

I booked a room for B and I in Studio City October 27th, the night before Camp Flog Gnaw. I thought it was a steal... like half the price but found it odd that the motel didn't even have a website. I was able to locate these reviews on Yelp though:

LOL! So, yeah. I canceled that reservation quickly and booked a decent room with good reviews. Billy can't have guests where he is staying currently. I actually booked the room for 3 nights even though I am supposed to stay with Cassie Saturday and Sunday night. But..... Cassie lives 20 minutes from Studio City and I don't think she will be hurt if after I hang with her all day at the music festival, I wanna uber to be with Billy and sleep next to him in a big bed. OMG I can't wait. I hope he wants to spend all 3 nights with me. He said he was down to hang out Friday. As soon as he gets off work I am going to hug and kiss him so hard. We can then go eat delicious foods and catch up and hold hands and kiss more and 😁😁😁😁. Seriously. 6 weeks. He will be at Wasteland Weekend the next week or 2 working and doing whatever they do at WW. Raul says hang out... wear Mad Max clothes. Drive Mad Max cars. He loves it and I know he is super excited. That makes me happy... knowing he is happy and looking forward to something. I really hope he is also looking forward to seeing me.

So the past 6 months or so I have had a pretty itchy asshole. Watch this. Ok... like that! Or that episode of Curb. I only just recently got health insurance so I've just been suffering and itching. Total discomfort. I was fearful that it was a hemorrhoid or maybe something more sinister? Haha... even though I know I have no STDs. Annnnnyway, I saw a dermatologist last week and it's just dry skin. Apparently when you scratch your b-hole it thickens the skin and just makes it itchier. Its like a vicious itchy asshole cycle. I just picked up my prescription itchy asshole ointment at CVS and I'm pretty stoked to have a normal asshole. My asshole is pretty sweet normally and I'm kinda stoked to see if Billy wants to introduce it to Sir Magnificent. That is a name I just came up with for Billy's dick. It's pretty fitting. I'm not even really in to anal, but I've only had it a couple times and that was when I was engaged. Something tells me that it would be pretty rad with Billy b/c the regular sex is off the charts.

I wonder if he would get mad if he read all this personal shit I am putting on here? It's not the first time and he's read it before so... probably not. He just doesn't like when I talk shit about him on here. haha b/c... who would?? I really wish I had some weed right now. I'm watching the premier of Broad City and that would be perfect.

Oh, I've totally sucked ass on my diet. Last night, Esmail and I went to Cap City and I ordered cheesesticks. Tonight, I went to Alamo to use my free movie ticket and food vouchers. Lemonade, popcorn, and burrata. Yeah so.... Lorelei and I are hitting the gym tomorrow. I really need to get super sexy in the next 6 weeks.

Thx for reading. 💕

Life is Good

I went to see IT on Sunday with my friend Lorelei at the Bee Cave Cinemark theater. I mostly laughed the whole way through it b/c some parts were so cheesy. Four teenagers were sitting next to us covered in blankets talking loudly and grab assing the whole time. The theater had those comfy reclining seats, but not being an Alamo Drafthouse, these kids were talking super loud and moving around through half the movie without intervention. Finally, I asked them nicely to shut the fuck up and the boy next to me replied "suck my dick"! I was outraged and without thought, picked up the cup that had a small amount of Pineapple Cider left in it and threw it in his shitty teenage face. Hehehe. His girlfriend ran to tell management. When management approached I walked over to complain about the kids behavior and the boy walked up and in front of management said again "suck my dick, bitch!" and I was just like "see?" Theater staff made them all leave and LL and I got to enjoy the rest of the movie without all their heavy petting and ruckus. 😁

I set a goal to drop 15 lbs in the next 6 weeks and get in really good shape. I'm eating a keto diet which I did from June to August and it really worked well. I do love carbs so it will be challenging to again give up pizza and sammiches. I'll also be hitting the gym daily. TBH, I just want to look hot as all hell naked for when I see Billy next b/c I wanna lock him down. Haha. Not that he is really superficial, but he is a man.

I just watched my friend Louis documentary Dream is Destiny about Richard Linklater. It was really good! Louis did an amazing job. I forgot how many amazing movies Linklater has made. I wish I could get a job in the film industry. Seems like it would be pretty exciting. I have no idea what I would do though. I'm much more suited for environmental work. I really hope I can find something cool like that in LA. I think I will!

Feeling this happy feels somewhat foreign. I like it though! Tonight Esmail and I are going to a comedy show at Cap City that should be really awesome. I can't wait! I've become a stand up comedy junkie b/c... who doesn't love to laugh? Might be difficult sticking to my diet there though. Haha. Ok, I should get back to work. Enjoy this pornographic image I made for Billy. 😊

It's even proportionally accurate b/c Billy is skinny and I'm kinda round. Hehe

So Very Happy

Billy called me this morning. 😊  I was so happy to hear from him. He's about to go to Wasteland Weekend for two weeks. I'm excited for him. I hope he has so much fun. October 27th can NOT come soon enough. That is when I will see him next. So yeah... there is no more uncertainty about whether I'll see him again. And well... I was so happy to delete this shit:

Not that I ever really used them seriously or checked my messages anyway. But I have no use for dating apps. I am in love with the most amazing guy on the planet (in my opinion) who is perfect for me in every single way. I know we have a long way to go before we are actually back together, but I also know he still loves me. I'm not fucking this up. Given the opportunity, I will love this man forever.

I'm so happy right now. Not just b/c of Billy but b/c of all the wonderful people I have in my life. Apart from some setbacks on my road to recovery, I am in a pretty good place in my life. Just need to keep it up and strive every day to be my best self and make good decisions.

Also, last night was my last night partying in Austin. I don't need to see guys I used to fuck 10 years ago. I don't wanna be up til 5 drinking. I am 35. I want to be living in Cali fast asleep by 11pm next to the love of my life and waking up early to make him breakfast every day before we go to work. That is my dream. I don't fit in in the scene here anymore at all. I'm awkward and uncomfortable in those situations. I'd rather go shopping with my bestie and have a sex in the city type brunch and then go swim at barton springs. Home by 8, bed by 11. Orrrrr..... Sunday volleyball with Cassie and comedy shows. Shopping at Wasteland and hiking Runyon with Michelle. I'm not sure if I have mentioned this, but I am so ready to move back to LA!

Enigmatic

I feel like when I talk all you hear is static
You either love me or you don't 
Your silence is emphatic
You'll either see me or you won't 
You know I'd be ecstatic
This distance makes me numb
I go a little nuts, a little erratic...
And you're just playing dumb
Fucking enigmatic.

There, now I've written some lyrics to a shitty pop song that could be the next big hit. Just for Billy. Maybe that will win him back? Perhaps giving him real space and time will ameliorate his uncertainty about us. I haven't really done that. I am incessant. I text. I call. I facestalk. I fucking miss him. I want to talk to him all the time. But that can't be forced and by attempting to do so, I have just pushed him further away.

But there he is still. I'm sure he will see me late October as planned. We made a plan. I just need to leave it alone and stop being so damn needy. If there's a god, I hope he hears my prayers... to one day share what I had with this man again. For him to love me again the way he used to and for me to earn his trust back. I want so much to spend the rest of my life waking up to his beautiful face, holding his hand, kissing his lips, rubbing his shoulders, and doing all the hot sex stuff only to him. He is so fucking amazing and sexy and pretty much all I want in a partner. There will never be another Billy. No one will ever make me feel this way... I have been in love before, or so I thought... but he just honestly blows all the other former lovers out of the water. I suppose that is just what it feels like when you finally find your soulmate. I hope that is what this is.

As for Austin, my friends here really disappoint me. I have very few. I have four close friends in LA that I know would've made time especially for me on my birthday to spend time with me and do what I want to do to celebrate. I only found one friend willing to go to a FREE comedy show with me for my birthday last night. One friend in particular, I had reached out to and threw out a few options of things to do this week to celebrate my bday. "I have plans"... no other suggestions. Yeah, I don't need friends like that. No thanks. I won't be asking that person to hang out ever again. Thankfully, Todd came through and went to the comedy show with me and to get some delicious queso at Magnolia. He has been a really rad friend! I have a few great friends here... Esmail, Ghost, Dan, sommmmetimes Dave but he can be flaky... THEY ARE ALL BOYS. I am severely lacking some feminine energy in my life. Thank god I reconnected with Lorelei recently. It was so nice catching up with her on my birthday and I'm looking forward to seeing her this weekend. I need girl talk in my life... not the music (well the music is dope too)! I do have Cassie and Michelle to talk to and we definitely text often. I just can't wait to be residing on the west coast and brunching with my girlfriends engaging in girl talk IRL.

Work is.... boring. A means to an end. But it is stable, pays well, and provides good benefits. I need to schedule a physical tomorrow. And go make sure none of my freckles or moles have turned in to skin cancer again. Sure does suck having that cut out! Not as much as my 2nd laster tattoo removal hurt last night. Talk about OUCH! I decided its time to really tighten the purse strings. Grocery shopping. No more Favor delivery. No more shopping. No more dining out. Save. Save. Save. LA is going to be so expensive.

All in all, life is really decent. I have felt very emotionally stable. I have been sleeping. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in months. No hypomania. Now if only I could get my career sorted out once I get to LA and find something I am passionate about. As passionate as I am about my endeavor to be Billy's wife. Heh. 💖

Ideas to Get Billy Back

I woke up at 5am with this brilliant idea to win back my lover of yore. A figurative lightbulb shown above me - zing! Shall I write an epic ballad for my erstwhile paramour, surely that will bring him back in to my good graces and he will be mine again. Surely? All I must do is accurately explicate my love and adoration. Long ago I wrote a poem about a long, lost friend Frogstein... When this friend went missing, I felt the same woeful malaise that I am feeling now.... but even more so now. Perhaps I could interchange Frogstein with Billstein? Hmmm... Billy is not bright, beautiful and green. He is beautiful, but he also didn't live outside a pool and get run over so that probably won't work.

When first I gazed upon him
(more like I stared)
From his long curly hair...
to the warm smile he proffered,
Neath a nevus like Cindy Crawford
Could he be as sweet...
as he was aesthetically pleasing?
Indeed he was, full of vim.

Ok this is truly terrible and I should probably sleep more before I must drag myself to work. God, I fucking miss him. This distance and uncertainty are really driving me mad. A few days ago, I slept with a non-Billy and while it was fun.... left me feeling despondent and even further away from him. I don't want to do that again. I did nothing wrong b/c despite my endeavors, he is not my boyfriend again. At least, not yet.

I had a really nice birthday. I felt very loved by my friends and family. I got to spend time with a girlfriend I had not seen in ages. I helped her run lines for a short film she is doing tomorrow and that made me miss LA even more. I love running lines with my actor friends! Looking forward to a comedy show tomorrow after work.

Ugh.... I miss Billy. I wish he was here right now so I could lick ranch dressing off his beautiful penis. The organic Opa's brand though. I have standards.

Hello 35

It's been a pretty nice birthday. My dad brought me flowers and lunch at work. A coworker brought me cupcakes. Louis got me a delicious cake from Upper Crust Bakery. I even got a text from Billy. Succinct... nice to know he was at least thinking of me.

Ugh. I feel so frustrated not knowing where I stand with him. All I want is to be his girl again and to talk to him every day... and to move back to LA and him to move in with me and marry me and put babies in me. That's all! Is that too much to ask. Bleh.

Gonna go chill w/ Lorelei in Lee's condo. Some fun girl talk should take my mind off this Billy stress.

lunchbreak

I took the new girl at work on a walk over to the Driskill on my lunch break. I showed her the spot where Sparkle barked at the ghost in 2008. I never go on walks during the day... I should start. I need to make the most of the time I have left in Austin. I will probably miss it more than I think once I am gone.

Tomorrow I am going to Fort Worth for a Film Feast at the Modern Museum. I'm excited to catch up with an old friend (well, boyfriend) that I haven't seen in forever. Going to catch up with Louis too. I finally got some good sleep last night and I'm feeling refreshed today. Looking forward to a fun Labor Day weekend, but not so much to turning 35 next week. 😩

Last night I spent 2 hours curating a playlist for Billy on Spotify. My endeavor to make a modern day mix tape to be like romantic and shit. I hope he likes it. I miss him.

insomnia

Of course, as soon as I am back home I'm once again plagued with insomnia. I haven't written today and I am supposed to write daily (says my mentor Louis). My mind is sort of firing on all circuits... still reeling from the tryst with Billy, harrowed by those affected by this hurricane, some excitement about how well things seem to be going in my life, and the obdurate fear that lingers of when it will all blow up. My life that is and the seemingly good things in it.

Does it bother me that I have not heard from him since he kissed me goodbye yesterday afternoon? He hasn't responded to my two texts, one last night to say I was home safe and one tonight to say I was thinking of him. Of course it does. It doesn't anger me or make me cry. Nor does it make me second guess his feelings for me... It makes me question our future though and if things between us will ever be how they were a year ago. Will he ever love me the way he did before I hurt him? I'm not sweating over a lack of response b/c of insecurities and a constant need for reassurance the way I did in my twenties. I just long for things between us to be how they were once before. With some patience and time, they very well could be. But I don't need them to be. I am content being alone.

Not that I have to be alone. I am desired. Men let me know. It's just frustrating to get all this male attention... and none of it be from the one man I love and desire. For now, I have to trust his words and his actions and wait and see.

It's hard to be too upset about not getting a text back from Billy when so many people close to me in Texas  have lost everything. All these videos of stranded dogs, horses, etc... I wish I could actively be helping. I have responsibilities... but at least I work for people that are in Houston doing all they can to help. I've donated money. And I've been praying. Last year, I had applied to start volunteering with Red Cross in LA before I had to move back. I used to be trained for Emergency Response with FEMA when I worked for the state. I'd really like to do something like that in the future. *Note to self to apply to jobs for the aforementioned.

I really should be sleeping and the melatonin I took isn't working. Funny how I feel asleep around 9 or 10pm every night I was in LA, but here.... restless. Just another sign I should be living there. I am training someone at work and shouldn't be a zombie so I am going to try to sleep now. But now I have written something today as instructed. To make Louis happy. Haha.

William Han Madden

This man captivates me like no other. Just like Bella and Edward from Twilight, I am completely, unequivocally in love with him. Ha. I'm such a loser. Have I ever heard a sweet as a sound as the doorbell to my airbnb this morning? Opening to door to this beautiful face... kinda had to pinch myself to ensure I wasn't dreaming. Wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. I did and it was magical. All day I have been walking and driving around LA with this beaming smile like I just ate a few hits of acid. No drugs, though. Just love. He is the one. I can't wait to see him again October 27th. I'm so grateful he is still in my life and that his feelings for me still exist. I'm never going to want another man in this life, not as long as he still wants me. He is definitely the one.

Santa Monica

So far, this has been an incredible vacation. I just wish I had more energy to do more activities. I feel completely spent and its only 9pm. My sunburn probably has a lot to do with it. I am staying at the Loew's Hotel in Santa Monica. I had a nice walk along the beach, swung on my favorite swingset facing the pier. I was too late to recent a bicycle to bike down to Venice. I'm going to do that in the morning before I join Cassie and her friends for beach volleyball. I soaked my achy sore muscles in the hot tub at the hotel. That was fantastic. Then I ordered some veggie pasta and peanut butter gelato room service. I did tarot for two facebook friends and I'm now relaxing watching the Book of Henry. 

I am staying in NoHo tomorrow night. When Raul gets off work we are going to go eat at Lotus Vegan and maybe hit up the Brick Yard. I am so excited to catch up with him and give him the present I got him. A copy of Fear of a Black Hat, my favorite movie. He hasn't seen it. I am pretty sure he will love it. 

My loved ones in Texas are on my mind. Prayers that everyone stays safe through this tropical storm. I may even get delayed flying home. I wouldnt mind that too much. I do miss my Sparkle though. 

I can't say enough how much I love California. My heart is full here and I walk with vim and vigor. Here, my heart has found a home. I'm all alone right now and feel incredibly content. Not longing, wanting, or needing... My mind is at ease. I love myself and I am liking my life more and more. I am happy. 💗

Reading for Cassidy Koranek

Self: Judgement *reversed*

Self-doubt, refusal of self-examination

Reversed, the Judgement card suggests that you may be indulging yourself in doubt and self-judgement. Your deliberation is causing you to miss the new opportunities that await. A certain amount of momentum has accumulated behind what you have achieved, which could propel you further. If actions are taken now, such momentum will not be lost. Therefore now is not the time for being cautious or introverted, rather it is time to move onwards with confidence and pride.

On the other hand, the Judgement card asks you to take a moment out of your usual routine and busy lifestyle to stop and think about your life so far and what you can learn from your life. In its reversed position, it may indicate that you are not allowing yourself sufficient time and space to really get to the heart of the matter and draw from your lessons of the past. Additionally, this card suggests that you may be overly hard or critical of yourself and not allowing yourself to truly learn from your mistakes. You may have made some mistakes in the past but see these as learning experiences rather than failures or faults.

Judgment reversed serves as a reminder that in every decision that you face, you have at least some element of control. While you may not be able to control the initial events that happen to you, it is important to remember that what is within your control is how you react to these events, and what you create and build out of them. So, while you may be feeling as though you are at the mercy of other people’s judgement, remember that you, too, can choose your own destiny and respond in a way that serves your own higher needs. This is an important time for you to make your own decisions, based on your own judgement of the situation. Do not let others push you around or dictate what should happen to you!

You may be experiencing unhappiness, isolation and difficulties in overcoming obstacles. You may be forced to deal with the consequences of your past decisions in order to learn valuable lessons from them. You may also find that you are fearful about making important decisions. Change is inevitable. If you are unwilling to accept changes, stagnation will replace growth. Unwanted changes could make you feel out of control and helpless. Perhaps you are reluctant to let go of a relationship, job, or circumstance that is no longer working for you. source

Situation: V of Cups

Loss, regret, disappointment, despair, bereavement

The Five of Cups represents a lack of fulfilment or non-attainment of expected results. You are feeling disappointed that a situation has not turned out as you had hoped, and instead of moving on to greener pastures, you are wallowing in self-pity and regret about what has been lost. The water spilled from the cups shows that the cause for regret is more emotional than financial. You are quickly becoming disillusioned with life and increasingly pessimistic about your future.

The Five of Cups suggests that you are having trouble letting go of the past and learning from your mistakes. This card can often reflect a person who is caught up in the past and unable to move on, missing out on new opportunities. Bitter memories from the past continue to bother you, and often a great deal of the blame for past actions is placed on yourself and your inadequacies. To some it would seem that there is no way out of this situation but the Tarot always shows problems on one hand and solutions on the other.

Forgiveness and the ability to recover after emotional loss are necessary. If you are feeling disappointed by another person’s actions, and then find it within your heart to forgive that person, releasing yourself from the disappointment. You may also need to re-assess your expectations that have led you to this disappointment. Were you expecting too much?

Remember, too, that hindsight is much clearer than foresight and present-day wisdom is gained from the mistakes of the past. Reflect on what lead you to this point and understand what important lessons you can take from the experience. Even when things go pear-shaped, there is always something positive that can be gained by reflecting on the lessons learned.

While it is true that much has been lost, there is still a ray of hope because some of the cups in this card remain full and upright. You must not pity yourself when you find yourself in his situation. Instead of looking at the situation from a ‘glass is half empty’ perspective, look at it from a ‘glass is half full' perspective. source

Challenges/Guidance: X of Pentacles

Wealth, inheritance, family, establishment, retirement

As a Ten, the Ten of Pentacles is such a great sign that despite challenges and setbacks along the way, you will finally reach a point of completion and accomplishment in your journey. This sense of accomplishment is likely to be as a result of an improved career path, more solid financial reserves, a stable home environment and a possible committed and long-term relationship. This is one of those cards that shows that everything will eventually come together in a wonderful way and you will feel highly successful and proud of everything you have achieved. You will also feel compelled to share this success with others to ensure that they are also well cared for.

This card reminds me of the wealthy retired father figure who can now finally relax and enjoy his family and his home. He has worked incredibly hard over his lifetime in order to build up wealth, prosperity and security. He now has the financial reserves to share with his family to ensure that they are well supported now and in the future, which in turn leaves him feeling happy and content with his ability to ‘provide’.

With the focus on the family, you may be more inclined to direct a lot of your energy into ensuring that your family has everything that they need, from finances, to security and a good home life. You want to ensure that your children and family will always have everything they need.

The Ten of Pentacles shows how family, or even extended family, is incredibly important. It represents tradition, being a part of something bigger and realising that the blood of your ancestors runs through your veins. It signifies that you are part of a long chain of individuals who subsequently creates a family, a ‘tribe’ and a society. It provides structure where you can sit safely and comfortably, knowing that you are a part of history and heritage.

The Ten of Pentacles is also a card of affluence and wealth. You are blessed with material abundance and are now free from any sort of money troubles. You feel financially secure and you are fortunate enough to have luck and success on your side to ensure your financial reserves are high.

This card reflects permanence and creating a lasting foundation for future success. It is a card of commitment to a sustainable future, taking into consideration not just the short-term benefits of a particular venture but also the long-term benefits. It is about investing in the long-term and knowing that you need a consistent approach in order to achieve success that will last the test of time. source

Reading for Michael Reyes

Self: Queen of Cups

Emotional security, calm, intuitive, compassionate

When the Queen of Cups appears in a reading, it suggests that you need to empathise with others and to show true compassion. Focus on the emotional well-being of others rather than relying on rational or logical explanation. You are here to support and to teach others, by drawing upon your own intuition and sense of calm and emotional connectedness. Learn how those in need cope with life’s challenges and share your knowledge. Hug someone you care about.

One of the greatest assets of the Queen of Cups is her ability to sense the needs of those around her. Due to her associations with the element of water, the Queen of Cups can be passive and receptive. Her sensitivity draws those who struggle and suffer towards her. In many ways, she is a safe harbor for others. Her ability to connect on a soul level enables her to remedy the broken hearts of others. Her warmth and genuine caring make her a beacon of light. Because she is so responsive to the feelings of others, the Queen of Cups must constantly uphold her boundaries between herself and others. If not properly protected, the Queen of Cups can lose her own sense of self. This is her greatest vulnerability.

The Queen of Cups tends to think with her heart, rather than her head. She may lack common sense and rationality but she is highly intuitive and sometimes psychic and dreamy. Similarly, if you are finding that the logical approach is not working, then the Queen of Cups encourages you to follow your heart and not your mind. You may be required to turn inward and explore your emotions about a particular situation.

The Queen of Cups symbolises achievements made possible by the use of imagination and creativity. This is a woman who is highly imaginative and artistically gifted, affectionate and romantic in outlook. She is often involved in creative or literary pursuits, and enjoys art, good music, literature and things of beauty. Therefore, you may be more inclined to pursue creative projects, particularly if it acts as a form of self-expression. source

Situation: VIII of Wands *reversed*

Delays, frustration, holding off

The Eight of Wands reversed can indicate significant delays, particularly with regard to travel or fast-moving plans. Despite having a lot of energy and enthusiasm to progress things forward, you are now being faced with multiple obstacles in your course. This is incredibly frustrating and you may be growing increasingly impatient by the day. Keep looking for alternative ways around the obstacles presented so that you can carry out your plans.

On the flipside, the reversed Eight of Wands suggests that you are charging ahead with an idea or plan but you need to slow down and consider your next steps before continuing. You may be missing something in your haste and prone to making mistakes. Similarly, this card can be a sign to hold off your activities for a short amount of time until the situation becomes more stable and predictable.

You may also be prone to having many, many ideas at the one time and not knowing which to pursue and when. Just as you get started on implementing one idea, another one comes to mind and you quickly switch your focus. The trouble is that with this approach, you never actually accomplish anything because you are jumping from one idea to the next without finishing any of them. source

Challenges/Guidance: The Devil

Bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism

The card of the Devil represents the hidden forces of negativity that constrain you and that trick you into thinking you are imprisoned by external forces ultimately out of your control. The Devil is an inner force within each of us. He represents our fears, addictions, and other harmful impulses. He is a master of deception and creates the illusion that you are involuntarily bound to him. However, the figures in this card are free to remove the chains from around their necks, indicating that they have freely given the Devil any power he has over them.

When you see the Devil in a reading, ask yourself where you are feeling stuck or restricted in your life. You may be tricked into believing that you are being controlled by external forces when in fact you have created your own chains of imprisonment and powerlessness. A sense of hopelessness can accompany the Devil. You feel despair and have a pessimistic view of life because you feel that so much is outside of your control. You fear the worst, and this means that your fears have a hold over you and prevent you from leading a more fulfilling and optimistic life. What are the addictions or attachments restraining you from experiencing the freedom of the Fool? Are you giving yourself over to the illusion of helplessness and despair? Know that you have the power within to free yourself from the bondage of the Devil.

The Devil often reflects actual addictions and dependencies in your life, such as alcoholism, drug-taking, unhealthy relationships, over-spending and the like. You think you need something and you are willing to go against what you know to be right and true in order to obtain it. You need to break free of these negative patterns of behaviour by acknowledging the hold that they have over you and the negative impact they are having on your life. Often they are behaviours that are immediately gratifying but which cause longer-term damage to your inner fulfilment.

More generally, the Devil indicates that you are becoming obsessed and hell-bent on a particular idea, situation or endeavour. You are over-investing yourself in one area at the expense of other areas of your life. Often, the Devil card represents an over-dependence on material wealth. You may have become so fixated on becoming a millionaire or owning a fancy car that you have forgotten the importance of investing in your relationships or yourself. You have generated a belief that value lies in how much you earn or how much you own. You have created an unhealthy bond with these materialistic desires and you are now being controlled by this bondage. source

roose

I'm sitting in the Hollywood Roosevelt lobby trying to get one hour of work done, but it's proving quite challenging. My morning walk down Hollywood Blvd was pleasantly nostalgic and a cool 71 degrees. Last time I stayed here was in spring of 2012 shortly after I had absconded from my abusive fiance. What a time that was. Vague memories of the hot guy I brought back here from Angels & Kings. Heh. Spending pretty much my last bit of money on a couple nights here... overdrafting on my debit card and throwing every staple (like $20 chocolate bars and $15 bag of chips) and drop of alcohol in the mini bar in my suitcase before hopping on an Amtrak back to Austin. That was a long train ride that arrived in Austin just as SXSW began. It was full of incredible musicians... Mostly really gorgeous ones. It was like one huge party in the common area. One guy shared this molly.... and wow. I'll probably never have an Amtrak trip quite like that one. Heh. Good times.

Anyway... my morning walk was so nice and though I saw transients, not one of them asked me for a dime. Try walking in downtown Austin without being accosted just for one block. Impossible. I love it here.

Ok I must get my work done so I can go have fun with friends. Xo

Reading for Ismael Quintinilla

Self: The Hierophant *reversed*

Restriction, challenging the status quo

The Hierophant reversed indicates that you are feeling restricted or constrained by structure and rules, and as a result, you have lost a lot of flexibility and control in your life. You have a strong desire to go against the grain and break free from convention. You may be tempted to go about your business in an unorthodox manner, to do something that is out of character or against social norms. The Hierophant reversed is about breaking the rules and challenging the status quo. You no longer accept the rigid structures, tradition and dogma surrounding you, and now seek out opportunities to rebel and retaliate. You want to challenge ideas and concepts that you once thought of as written in stone.
The reversed Hierophant is about questioning tradition and asking yourself whether what you are doing is really the right thing by you. You may have been running on automatic so far and following the crowd but now you realise that perhaps things are not the way they seem and changes need to be made.

In this way, the Hierophant reversed is like a rebellious teenager or young adult who begins to question society and participate in political activities. There may be a run-in with authorities or conflict with a parent or authoritative figure.The reversed Hierophant can sometimes reflect societal or group pressure. You are being forced to conform but you do not agree with the fundamental belief systems.The Hierophant can also represent a person who is in a leadership role or position of authority. He may indicate a religious leader, a father figure, or even a boss at work. When the Hierophant is reversed, you may find that this person is ruling with an iron fist, forcing others to conform and abide by the rules, afraid to step out and do something different or challenge the status quo. If this person is ‘in charge’ then you may have little choice but to follow. source

Situation: V of Cups *reversed*

Reversed: Moving on, acceptance, forgiveness

The reversed Five of Cups shows recovery from regret and an acceptance of the past. Now, you are beginning to realise the full implications of the past and you have come to appreciate the lessons learned from the experience. You may even recognise the value of the painful experience in the broader scheme of things in preparing you for later experiences. You are ready to pick up the remaining two cups that are full of the water of emotional growth and go on.This card is also about learning to be open and to take risks again. It is a card of a lingering sense of regret, nostalgia and bittersweet memories but the card itself speaks of being hopeful for the future, getting over whatever you need to get over, and of seeing the sun peek through the clouds once again! If you have suffered a broken romance, the reversed Five of Cups signifies an end to the suffering, and a beginning to new loves and relationships, new interests, and new emotional outlets. You are starting to engage with the inspiring, creative and feeling side of life again.The reversed Five of Cups is about values and knowing what you truly want and what will really make you happiest. It is about the hidden blessings that lie behind obvious disappointments. Sometimes disappointments are required to see through illusions and free you to find what is truly of value in life. Once you have made this transition, you will be free to embrace new opportunities.Sometimes, the reversed Five of Cups indicates a feeling of being trapped in the past, holding on too tightly to the might-have-beens, and not being able to focus on the positive. The reversal could also indicate buried feelings of regret, that you are not allowing to surface and therefore they never get dealt with and brought to closure. Five is also the number of change, and indicates an emotional destabilisation that is intended to create change in how you approach your life. source

Guidance/Challenges: 3 of Cups

An affair, “three’s a crowd”, stifled creativity

The Three of Cups is representative of friendships and collegiate, harmonious relationships. It is a time when you are open to helping others, which in turn means that others are open to helping you. It is about spending quality time with your loved ones and your friends.This card reminds me of the wonderful connection and friendship that exists between the four female characters in “Sex and the City” – Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. They stand by each other, through thick and thin, and they are always there for one another as they make their way through various relationships, careers and other life journeys. Nearly every episode, they can be found enjoying each other’s company, often over a Cosmopolitan or another fancy New York cocktail. You get the feeling that these girls will be friends forever and will know that they can always count on each other for support and compassion.You may find that by turning to your female friends, you receive the love, support and compassion you need right now. Your close circle of friends may be a mothers’ group, old school friends, a women’s networking group or a collection of friendships that you have built up over the years. There is a oneness shared between your close friends and you, and there is a general feeling of sensitivity and sympathy with one another.The Three of Cups heralds a very sociable period. You will find a harmonious balance between meeting your commitments and spending quality time with friends and family. This is a great time to let your hair down and indulge yourself a little! You may be particularly drawn to the bar or restaurant scene, indulging in great food, wine and cocktails! You may also be celebrating something special, such as a birth, engagement, wedding, re-union, or birthday.For the moment, even though life’s problems go on, you can take time out to forget about the hassles of the everyday world and enjoy the company of your friends and loved ones. Such respites are often needed before and after periods of high stress, to stop you from getting burned out emotionally or physically. When this card appears and you are experiencing a high level of stress, take some time off to recuperate, and gain the support of friends before returning to ‘reality’.More broadly, the Three of Cups indicates the end or conclusion of any problems you have been experiencing, particularly those that relate to your interactions with others. A compromise will be found which will serve all the interests of those involved and will allow for a more harmonious environment. You can facilitate this process by bringing about positive change within yourself and changing your attitude and the way you react or deal with what is happening. Treat the situation with compassion and give the benefit of the doubt where possible.The Three of Cups represents community and groups of people coming together to focus on a common goal for the greater good of others. You may find that by reaching out to others and banding together, you can achieve a huge amount in terms of sharing your positive energy and passion with others, benefiting the wider community. It is a sign that you should seek out other people to celebrate your successes along with you.The Three of Cups is also a very creative card, suggesting that you may pursue a creative outlet within a group environment, such as an art class or a dance class. This is a great way to connect with others and to access your creative abilities. source